Do it for me

"And the rain comes down,

There's no pain and there's no doubt,

It was easy to say,

I believed in you everyday,

If not for me,

Then do it for the world"

- in "Has Anyone Ever Written Anything For You" by Stevie Nicks

Believe what you must

"The only thing that's rebellious about you is the way you look." Indeed...

...Deception in an art.

Smile, it pisses people off

"What do you mean, "I hurt your feelings"?

I didn't know you had any feelings.

What do you mean, "I ain't kind"?

I'm just not your kind."

- in "Peace Sells" by Megadeth

The Phoenix

"Darling, I forgive you... After all,

Anything is better than to be alone.

And in the end I guess I had to fall.

Always find my place among the ashes."

- in "Lithium" by Evanescence 

Heavy Heart

I feel like I let you down, like I failed you... And I hate myself for it. I'm a shadow of who I once were, kinda like an empty shell, and indeed empty I feel.

I need... I need to get my head together. I can't keep going like this, that I know. How am I supposed to take care of others when I'm a complete mess? And I've always been like this, I don't take care of myself, never did, and never learned how to. Why? Simply because I don't matter to me, I much rather look after someone else. That's just how I work. Problem is right now things have gone too far and my weakened  and deteriorated state has come in the way of my desire to help others. I'm not sleeping, not thinking straight, strongly demotivated, depressed and engaging in self-destructive behavior. I've got to stop being weak, gather up the strength I got left in me and stand tall. Besides that might help me avoid those personal questions about my well being that I so hate to answer. It can't be that hard actually, I don't need to be happy and healthy I just need to look the part. Get my head slightly above water level, just enough to breathe. After all fixing me would go against my ways.

Until the end

"Those who have the strength and the love to sit with a dying patient in the silence that goes beyond words will know that this moment is neither frightening nor painful, but a peaceful cessation of the functioning of the body."

- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Tired of Living #5

- in The Book of Bunny Suicides by Andy Riley

Isn't it ironic... Don't you think?

It's wrong. How can something that feels so right be wrong?

It's a sin. It's love in it's most innocent and raw way. How could love ever be a sin?

You're going to hell. Well if I'm going to hell for loving someone then be it, I hold no regrets and I refuse to restrain my true feelings just to please a close-minded religion.

Do you know what's truly wrong? Discriminating and being intolerant towards people that don't have the same ideals or likes as you. People are different, different doesn't have to mean bad or wrong, so just try to respect that. Because if you want to be respected you must start by respecting others.

Discrimination against bisexuals is discriminating those that don't discriminate when falling in love.

Don't you see the irony?

Shush...

Why...? Why did...?

Coming from the back of my head I hear the answer, so low it's barely audible. And I pretend I'm not listening. I keep asking myself the same question again and again hoping I'll get a different answer. Wait! Isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing repeatedly waiting for a different outcome? 

And in the end, such answer never does come...

Goodbye

"Say something, I'm giving up on you.

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.

Anywhere, I would've followed you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.

You're the one that I love

And I'm saying goodbye." 

- in "Say Something" by A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera

Venting

This pain makes me sick in my stomach, makes me wanna throw up and takes all my hunger away. This is how I feel every time I remember you.

I thought I saw you today, once again, I stopped breathing and my heart started racing, beating as fast as if the world was about to end. Such nonsense... My world ended quite some time ago... And I seriously need to start sleeping properly (or just sleep at all) then maybe I'd stop seeing you everywhere. Also I know... I know despite how many tears I cry the past won't change, but my eyes have stopped obeying me. So just blame on them my tear-stained face, not me.

Shuffling through our memories

Music player on shuffle, a songs ends, another begins. Oh no. Not this one. It's from your favorite singer. Crap...

And I force myself to listen to the song playing, I could simply skip the song, but no. It hurts. I fight through the pain. As the music fills my ears it's like my vision dissipates from reality and all I see is your face, everything else is gone but that memory of your facial traits. Just like our memories together, your face is getting blurrier by the day. It bothers me how our happy days now seem so long ago it's hard to remember. Sometimes I find myself wondering if it was all just a dream, it just doesn't seem real anymore. What a cruel ending for such a passionate love... Meanwhile the song is nearing it's end, somehow it doesn't hurt as much anymore. I think I'll put it on repeat for a bit. Torture myself. Maybe not torture, maybe... Maybe I just want to close my eyes and escape to those far away memories, relive those times, forget the present. Sadly it will all be over when I open my eyes, if only my dreams of you were pleasant like this. But they're not. They're nightmares. I open my eyes. Change the song. It's over. It's time for a new soundtrack in my life.

Tell me...

I'll keep your secret if you keep mine.

Tired of Living #4

- in Dawn of the Bunny Suicides by Andy Riley

Self-destructive behaviour

A smoke to keep me busy. A dozen to fight the nerves.

A drink to make me social. A few to make me forget.

A joint to lighten my head. A couple to get me relaxed.

And all together they make life a little easier to endure.

"I feel something so right

Doing the wrong thing

I feel something so wrong

Doing the right thing

I couldn't lie, couldn't lie, couldn't lie

Everything that kills me makes me feel alive"

- in "Counting Stars" by  One Republic

My motto

"Para ser grande, sê inteiro: nada

Teu exagera ou exclui.

Sê todo em cada coisa. Põe quanto és

No mínimo que fazes.

Assim em cada lago a lua toda

Brilha, porque alta vive."

___________________________________________

"To be great, be whole: nothing that's you

Should you exaggerate or exclude.

In each thing, be all. Give all you are

In the least you ever do.

This way, the whole moon, because it rides so high,

Shines in each pool." 

- Ricardo Reis, 14-2-1933

Open Wounds

Some wounds never heal, you may stop feeling the pain but then something touches it and it's back, the pain, the burn, the bleeding and it hurts more than ever, the suffering enhanced because you were just starting to forget how it truly felt.

"Are you in pain?" 

"No." That's the answer you're looking for, the answer to the question you meant to ask. Because the answer to the question you truly asked is "Yes.", but I'll keep that to myself, you wouldn't understand how this pain I feel isn't physical and either way I don't want to burden you, not anymore... It's my cross to bear, I mustn't drag you into this mess I made.

Denial

"You hold the answers deep within your own mind.

Consciously, you've forgotten it.

That's the way the human mind works.

Whenever something is too unpleasant, to shameful for us

to entertain, we reject it.

We erase it from our memories.

But the imprint is always there."

- in "Understanding (Wash It All Away)" by Evanescence

Dreams by night, Nightmares by day

I had a dream last night. It was like a rewritten version of some of the recent events in my life, the base events remaining the same while the explanations for them changed. My mind kept feeding me lies after lies building up a fantasy realm where I was happy. Life was still far from perfect but somehow those minor changes in details made me feel a lot better, I just didn't feel as worthless, as hurt and sad as I usually do. But then as in every dream there comes a time when you must wake up, reality hits you like a slap in the face and your fantasy world shatters right before your eyes leaving you in the cold and harsh reality. Come to think of it, when my dream ended I simply awoke in my daily nightmare.

You'd think a new day could mean a fresh start, but no, I keep trying to put the past behind me and move forward but how am I supposed to do that when my mind won't let me forget about it? Painfully reminding me day after day, night after night.

"Well you built up a world of magic,

Because your real life is tragic"

- in "Brick by Boring Brick" by Paramore 

The sad truth

"You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with."

- Wayne Dyer

Tired of Living #3

- in Return of the Bunny Suicides by Andy Riley

The only way out

“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”

― David Foster Wallace

Out of my mind

I'm slowly losing my mind... 

...Not slow enough...

Today I spent 40 minutes walking around aimlessly, no purpose, no destination. Just walking. 

All the while I was feeling more dead than a corpse and probably with a facial expression to match.

In the end, I ended up returning home for the sole reason that the outside temperature wasn't cold enough, fact that proved to be extremely annoying to me, hence dictating my return.

What the fuck am I doing...?

Eisoptrophobia

“There comes a time when you look into the mirror and you realize that what you see is all that you will ever be. And then you accept it. Or you kill yourself. Or you stop looking in mirrors.” 

― Tennessee Williams

Sewn Shut

I'm so tired of holding back, it's so unlike me... I want to spill out all the words that keep circling around in my head but every time I try to it's like they dry in my lips. Mouth open, nothing but silence comes out... It's unnerving how I'm chocking on all the words left unsaid.

Truth is... I'm afraid. And lying was never so easy.

"It's so loud inside my head

With words that I should have said

As I drown in my regrets

I can't take back the words I never said

I think that all the silence is worse than all the violence

Fear is such a weak emotion, that's why I despise it

We scared of almost everything, afraid to even tell the truth

So scared of what you think of me, I'm scared of even telling you

Sometimes I'm like the only person I feel safe to tell it to

I'm locked inside a cell in me, I know that there's a jail in you

Consider this your bailing out, so take a breath, inhale a few

My screams is finally getting free, my thoughts is finally yelling through"

- in "Words I Never Said" by Lupe Fiasco ft. Skylar Grey

Solar Eclipse

How many times did I told you that you were the sun, the sun in my life? Surely more times than I told you I am the moon, I've always been the moon... But of course that's of no significance now, now that the sun is gone and the night is eternal.

I keep thinking I just might find a new sun to light up my life but then again, a moon would probably be a better fit for myself, the sun never really being my type, despite accounting for a strong temptation. And it's funny how just like Icarus, every time the sun lures me in I end up getting burnt.

Teasing Death

"Hey, I'm feeling tired.

My time, is gone today.

You flirt with suicide.

Sometimes, that's ok."

- "Falling Away From Me" by Korn

Drops of sorrow

The tingling sensation on the nose, the temperature rise on the eyes and the humidity building up until it reaches a level too high to be contained, threatening to spill out and finally doing so on an uneven flow that crosses my cheeks before separating itself from my skin simply free falling at gravity's mercy until it splatters on the first surface it encounters, a single tear turning into a dozen. And then there's the emptiness within, the ever so present and unwavering void right in my core, that was once filled with something. Something I've long forgotten how to feel let alone how it was even called.

"How many years till you break

All that keeps breaking you?

How many tears will you waste

While finding the truth?"

- "Make It Right"  by Alter Bridge

Tired of Living #2

- in Return of the Bunny Suicides by Andy Riley

Muffled Thoughts

Maybe if I raise the volume loud enough I won't be able to hear my thoughts anymore...

Welcome to my life

"Have you been drinking Safari? You smell like alcohol..."

Are you kidding me?? It's 1 pm, I literally just woke up and this is the first thing someone has to say to me. Great way to start my day, claiming not to be an alcoholic... And by the way, no, I didn't drink any Safari, not yesterday, not when I was sleeping and certainly not in the last 2 minutes since I woke up.

Seriously, some days I don't know why I bother to get out of bed...

Take me as I am

“If I got rid of my demons, I’d lose my angels.” 

- Tennessee Williams

Resolutions? Nahhh...

Once again it's time for some new year's resolutions, so here goes:

1. Be awesome
2. Be more awesome
3. Be even more awesome

Oh fuck it, we all know nobody keeps New Year's resolutions anyway...