Baby, I'm a wanderer

Times have changed. I used to be on you now I'm over you. But even now you hold a special place in my heart. One no one can ever take away from you. My first love, my first real love. And also the only person I've ever loved. Guess a part of me will always be crazy about you. Controlling the itch on my fingers to touch you whenever we cross paths. You'll have to settle for the smile tugged between my lips in the far corner of my mouth. A ghost of the giant one that would escape me every time my eyes would find you, rebelliously breaking free from my otherwise string of consciously calculated movements. Powerful, such that even when I tried I could never properly repress it. It was my dead giveaway. My body saying I love you without any words or consent necessary. And you knew it. Knew that as long as I held that smile you would be holding of my heart. This other smile though, it's simply a tiny homage to the good memories and the warmth you once made me feel inside. It's not an "hello" or a "goodbye" just a "I'll see you around".

"Change is inevitable

Why hold on to what you have to let go of?

(...)

Loving you was nice

But it's a new day, a new season

I've been sad inside

And he could see it, picked up your pieces

(...)

Shame on me for changing

No, No, No,

Shame on you for staying the same"

- in "Spotless Mind" by Jhené Aiko

Exams II

24 th

Merry Christmas T

Equality

Forget them. They've never walked in our shoes. Never felt different like the way we were born. It was never a conscious choice of ours. So how are we to blame? We just wanna love and be loved. Just like everybody else. But they couldn't feel love the way we do. And judge us for it. Make us feel wrong for it. Like misfits, sickened souls, improper, unworthy to be their equals. No one is entitled to be unique, nobody else may be different. Otherwise you're defying what they deem correct. And you become the enemy. The disgust in their faces, the unforgiving look in their eyes, the venom in their words. No longer accepted, in dire need of a cure. Even if you're not sick... They just don't seem to understand.

Life is a marathon

When the tears fall, let them go. Don't wipe them off your face. May they serve as the reminder of your mistakes. The proof of your sorrow. The honesty no words can carry. The pain burning through your soul. Pure raw emotion... And when they dry, they'll be gone. They'll fade away just like what caused them. One day that is. You just got to live through it... Until then, time is of the essence, time is the only compass you'll need. For only time knows where we're headed.

7th Circle, 2nd Ring

Surrounded, engulfed by the nothingness all around. That lingers like a mist of uncertainty in the air otherwise heavy with sulfur. No doubt charged with enough self destructive power to erase us from existence. And that's precisely the point. Upon falling to the deep deep depths of a hollow heart, there she was. Bleeding from the wounds that were no longer hers to claim. But belonging to a body she lost rights over. For she sought freedom from it. Slicing through the rope that was her only guide home. And now there she rests, eternal in defeat to suffer for what was lost. Which she took willingly therefore enticing her own demise. Condemned to pay until after the end of time. They shall feast upon you, and powerless to fight, only the feeling will remain. Cry, scream, writhe in agony. Feed us your delicious desperation while they step all over you, while you're broken to pieces. Steadfast, unmoving, never losing sight of your one mistake. Regret being the lone companion to pain.

Writer's block/ Rant about hope

When I'm depressed the words flow from my heart just like water flows down a river. It has a certain beauty to it, holds a deep meaning too. Something to remind us that even the darkest things can sustain a bright side. It sheds some light over disaster, some hope that even when things are looking down, maybe tomorrow it will be okay. And I'll keep a tight grip onto that prospect. I'm in the bottom of the well but as long as I believe a rope exists I'll be able to feel it in the dark even if my eyes can't see it just now.

"And the salt in my wounds isn't burning anymore than it used to,

It's not that I don't feel the pain, it's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore,

And the blood in these veins isn't pumping any less than it ever has,

And that's the hope I have, the only thing I know that's keeping me alive"

- in "Last Hope" by Paramore

Until the stars stop shining

Some times I lay awake through the night. Some nights I can't take some things away from my mind, some times not something but someone. And here I lay, restless as I flip and turn in my sheets. Searching through the questions as the answers always seem to find a way to evade me. There's not even a hint of light in the room yet I keep my eyes open. All I see is the darkness in a perpetual embrace with me, soothing me, but never giving away nothing that could actually help me overcome this. The darkness is the safety net but this path I lead... This path I have to get through on my own.

Suicide is a form of murder

"When you don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream. But seeing death, really seeing it, makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous. Maybe, there's a moment growing up when something peels back... Maybe, maybe, we look for secrets because we can't believe our minds..."

- Susanna Kaysen in Girl, Interrupted

Make it rain as I cry...

"Look me in the eyes, say that again.

Take me to your chest, and let me in.

Give me mouth-to-mouth, and make amends.

Knock me off my feet like heroin.

No need to disguise or to pretend.

Don't misconstrue and don't misapprehend.

There's nothing left, no fortress, to defend.

And tonight's the night that we begin the end."

- in "Begin the End" by Placebo

Incarcerated Heart

I'm feeling trapped again. I can't breathe no more. And there are so many things I want to do. So many things I need to say but this lump in my throat leaves no space. My chest feels heavy, I can't stay. It feels like I'm choking within myself. I can't even put it into words because these are not ideas but feelings. And feeling is what I do. All too much. All too heavily. All too painfully. Until like a supernova I explode and suddenly there's nothing again. And I'm empty. And I can't feel. Suddenly back where I began.

Queen of Hearts

You chose me, you used me, abused me. Forever at your disposal, under your unexisting mercy I've laid  for endless nights. You did as you pleased, just like you always do. Not even cared to admit to your sins. Because you knew. Knew you were free from any bounds for I could never retaliate against you. Never you. Barricading in the deepest depths of my heart. Out of reach, sitting comfortably in the safest of places. You knew, knew I was yours for the taking, to discard when you deemed fit. And there I laid with my arms wide open. And there you stood, gun in hand. I never enticed you to shoot but never said you couldn't either. So you did.

"Good" Morning

And when my dreams are of you how am I suppose to wake up with a smile?

Goodnight and goodbye

Too tired to be happy. Leave me for dead and I won't fight it. You've won. Tonight I bleed under your uncaring unmerciful watch. Gentle soothing touch. Love.

Look the other way

I open my hands as soon I've closed them. So hot it feels like it could burn my skin. I do wonder though... Wonder if it's the temperature or the responsibility that burns the hottest. I'm still the same kid that chooses to overlook the unavoidable until there's no possible escape. It's a reflection of fear, the ever-present ghost of failure hovering around me. I don't want to face it though I must, even knowing that if I do then at least I'll actually have a chance at succeeding. But the papers lie quietly on the table and I don't even make a second attempt at reaching them, I simply walk away. How did the saying go? Oh, yes... Eyes that don't see, heart that doesn't feel...

We said it was forever but then it slipped away

"Tearing me apart with words you wouldn't say,

And suddenly tomorrow's a moment washed away.

'Cause I don't have a reason, and you don't have the time,

But we both keep on waiting for something we won't find.

(...)

All I ever wanted, the secrets that you keep,

All you've ever wanted, the truth I couldn't speak.

'Cause I can't see forgiveness, and you can't see the crime,

And we both keep on waiting for what we left behind "

- in "Final Masquerade" by Linkin Park

Promise you'll be different

Expectation:

Reality:

"I never knew that I could feel this way"

 

 - in "Silver Linings Playbook"

Self-Imposed Limitations

Living like a caged bird that was offered freedom on a silver platter. The door remains open the same way I remain motionless. The opportunity is presented but I wouldn't know what to do with it. I can't remember what it's like to be outside so I don't leave. I never do. The door still open, my wings still closed. Waiting to be freed for I'm unable to set myself free.

"How many times have I done this to myself

How long will it take before I see

When will this hole in my heart be mended

Who now is left alone but me

Oh, Solitude,

Still with me is only you"

- in "Solitude" by Evanescence

My Kriptonite

My heart still races at the sight of you. I can't help it, don't know how. So now all the sorry looks seem to come my way. It's been a year already. How pathetic of me, wouldn't you say? Can't find proper closure.

23.08.14

Hate my F*ing life

"I tried to kill my pain,

But only brought more,

So much more,

I lay dying,

And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal,

I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming,

Am I too lost to be saved?

Am I too lost?"

- in "Tourniquet" by Evanescence

Somebody that I used to know

"(...) We'll drift apart, until one day we'll meet in line at the grocery store and say polite hellos and pretend like we didn't once know everything there was to know about each other."

- Amy Raudenfeld in "Faking it"

Agere, non loqui

Our life is defined by choices. Some we make, others are made for us. We often look at our decisions as right or wrong when in reality no such thing exists. A seemingly wise decision can come crashing down as fast as an apparently bad one can turn into something wonderful. So the way I see it, life's about trying to make the most out of every situation regardless. And how we do it, that's what truly defines us.

Step into my soul

"But my dreams they aren't as empty

As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely

My love is vengeance

That's never free

No one knows what its like

To feel these feelings

Like i do, and i blame you!

No one bites back as hard

On their anger

None of my pain and woe

Can show through"

- in "Behind Blue Eyes" by Limp Bizkit

"Don't think I can make it"

"Everything is alright, everything's in your mind

Life is what you make it, life is what you make it

And anything can happen, anything can happen

But you just gotta get past it, you just gotta laugh at it

And anything can happen, you fall down get back up

And you better believe that nothing holding me back

So everything is alright, everything is alright

Everything is alright, promise I'll be

Promise you'll be, promise we'll be alright"

- in "Promises" by Jhené Aiko

But I'm not...

Buuuurn

Those who play with fire are bound to get burnt. I hope you do.

Just wait

"We lose faith in things unseen, unsure of what to believe,

Just dying to be loved when love's right in front of us.

We give up on our hopes and dreams, and let doubt take everything.

The door will open when we realize we don't hold the key!"

- in "No ordinary love" by Memphis May Fire

Arigatou ne

"If you find someone who makes you smile,

Who checks up on you to see if you’re okay,

Who watches out for you and wants the very best for you,

Don’t let them go.

Keep them close and don’t take them for granted.

People like them are hard to find."

- Unknown

Chasing our ideal self

"Maybe what I really wanted was to prove I could do things right. 

So when I looked in the mirror, I’d see someone worth while."

- Mulan 

Psychic metamorphosis

It's funny how fast our life can change. We get used to certain things, start operating on different gears. It's funny how we lose our independence so fast, create an addiction to something we never knew before. How we once felt so at peace with our loneliness only to now feel it unbearable. How indifference and coldness turn into a stream of untamed emotions. In the mist of it all we're still us yet never again the same...

Looking from afar

Every time I see a happy couple I'm left thinking there might still be some hope left for me... 

But what is this I feel? Envy...?

2.30 pm

Sitting in the cold of the night. The sky's pitch black, it's already 2.30 pm and too cold to be wearing a t-shirt outside. I like it but I'm shaking. It hurts but I don't go away. Am I even hurting because of this? We've all got our own ways of inflicting pain to ourselves, this is one of mine. And the pain tastes different when we believe we deserve it. We learn to cherish it... One pain can mask another, that's what I'm doing. After a while I get the shaking under control. It's worse then, it means I'm back at square one. And not even the stars came to see me tonight... I can't hide my disappointment. I'm feeling kinda lost tonight avoiding to dwell on it. Maybe the day will bring me the guidance I seek... Oh but I hate it so...

"Come across you lost and broken

You're coming to but you're slow in waking 

You start to shake.

You still haven't spoken, what happened

They're coming back and you just dont know when

You want to cry but there's nothing comin'

They're gonna push until you give in, say when"

- in "Say When" by The Fray

Upon a star

You realize how deep in you are when you see a shooting star and use your wish for someone else's benefit. That just says it all.

"I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream

I know you, that look in your eyes is so familiar a gleam

And I know it's true that visions are seldom all they seem

But if I know you, I know what you'll do

You'll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream"

- in "Once Upon a Dream" by Lana Del Rey

Greetings from my scumbag brain

Hello, this is your brain, I just wanted to let you know that I've organized a flash mob of sadness and general depressive feelings starting immediately and without any apparent reason behind it. Also feel free to rip out your heart when you decide you can't take anymore. Just please remember to avoid brain damage and to keep a smile on your face through it all. Have a nice day. : )

Countdown to destruction

We're nothing but sandcastles built upon unstable ground. Apply glue, showcase a fake stability to the outside eye. But our condition is everlasting, as soon as the wind blows stronger, as the tides approach, we crumble, we fall. Just like that the ground is swept from underneath our feet. We were never made to last, we're just here to look divine, even if just for a fleeting second until we meet our fate.

Pull through

"So your scars fade away

You soaked up the pain

A better person 'cause you lived through those days

And now you know what it's like to prove

You can overcome anything that gets to you

Well it's alright

We're sayin' our goodbyes

To the past and everything that ain't right

We won't waste another day

With all these silly things in our way

There's no giving up now"

- in "No Giving Up" by Crossfade

Going in circles

I haven't been writing... Mostly it's due to the fact that I haven't been thinking either. There's no point in doing so, the solutions I seek I can't seem to find. Every once in a while though they seem to find me. And I push them away. Not really sure how to go about this I refuse every opportunity I'm given. It's one of those "no wrong answers" situations yet there are no right answers either. Not wanting to deal with it I attempt to ignore it until reality becomes painfully obvious. I wish things were different... Careful what you wish for... But the one thing I want it's the one thing I can't have so what do I have to lose?

Two-faced

"I always thought I could trust you

but I guess that's not the case

All the years that I loved you

You were out there playing the games

You didn't think that I would find out

but it was written all over the place

Is it what you really want now?

Then get the fuck out of my face

How could you deceive me?

I'm begging you to leave me

Go to hell

I'm better off without you

All is well

I'd rather be alone than

To have you

To hold you

and never know you

(...)

How do you look in the mirror?

How do you stand the sight of your face?"

- in "Live this down" by Papa Roach

No happy endings

"No more holding it in

How many years can I pretend

Nothing never goes the way it should

No more sitting in this place

Hoping you might see it my way

Cause I don't think you ever understood

That what I'm looking for are the answers

To why these questions never go away

I'm so far away

I've been changin' but you'll never see me now"

- in "So Far Away" by Crossfade

Last thursday

Sitting in the bus I let a quiet sigh escape my lips. It's been eight hours since I started my return, still two more to go. Unable to sleep despite my tiredness my thoughts drift away. It's hard not to compare the current situation to that of a year ago, it's all too similar, just like a déjà vu, yet so different. Hope and wanting filled my heart back then, there was this anxiousness in the air. Not now though. I'm feeling incomplete in a way, but I can't say I'm not excited to return either. I'm glad to be headed home. After what happened I used to think there was nothing out there for me. I was wrong. I've got them. No matter how much shit life throws our way, we still got each other to hold on to. Even if we're as brokenhearted as they come we'll keep on supporting each other. And this is enough. I love you guys.

Heading home

"Watching all my deepest fears just crawling on the ceiling,

These colonial bricks and beams are just not enough to hold me,

All I got is my hopes and dreams and this cranberry stoli.

I get by I get by,

I get by I get by,

I get high I get high,

But tomorrow’s goodbye"

- in "We get by" by JoJo

Absent-minded

                                                              - How are you feeling?

                                                              - Depressed.

                                                              - Why?

                                                              - I don't even know...

Requiem

Another day goes by a thousand nights,

The sun doesn't shine where the light can't reach,

So I hide within the shadows where no man dare preach,

The void I feel tells me something's missing,

Yet words of wisdom never saved me from collision,

So I keep gambling away all those chances I don't have,

Attempting to live in the present ever since even the future got out of hand,

What can I say it makes me feel alive,

What can I say, I'm still waiting to hear you say the past was a lie.

Pour me a drink, another sleepless night

What does it mean? I want you to tell me but you can't. And I can't ask so how would you even know the question? Sorry I'm no good at reading between the lines. I've learned not to assume certain things, it's my protection against disappointment. What I'm good at is predicting outcomes. I can often see two moves ahead, but not with you. With you I can't say, can't see, can't do, can't ask. What I really want to do...  I can't put into words. And I can't see myself playing this game, I've lost before the first dice roll. I think maybe I've gotten the question all wrong. Not what does it mean but: 

Do you mean it?

Up the north montain

 

So each year when summer arrives I escape to winter.

Spring nicht

"A piece of glass 

In the sand under your feet 

It cuts you deep 

And makes you hate the beauty 

That you see 

And you wonder where you are 

How you ever got so far 

Now you question what went wrong 

It's your heart 

It's raining again 

There's a dark cloud 

Over your head 

It follows you 'round 

It's bringing you down 

It's raining 

It's raining again"

- in "Raining Again" by Staind

How to deal with life

Sometimes it's just too obvious that I grew up reading Calvin & Hobbes comics...

You see the signs, but you can't read

"Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff, oh yeah

It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough

You know you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to love"

- in "Addicted to Love" by Skylar Grey