The unavoidable race against time

I feel like I'm trapped inside a train, looking out the window I can't advert my eyes from the rails continuously getting further and further away. Reaching for a door that never opens for me. As for the rest of the people, they get in and out of the train at will, only a short few remaining motionlessly glued to their seats. Time doesn't stop, that's my train. But I need a break, can't it at least slow down? My stop is the last, the end of the line, we're moving towards death at an enormous speed and there's no escape. They say we should make the most of the ride, but all I see are strange faces, no compassion, zero understanding. I think I've missed my stop, I can't be headed to the last right away, can I? Let me get out, there's so much I've left behind. Give me a chance, let me do right on my wrongs. Don't drag me to my destiny right away, I beg of you, how can you kill someone that never felt alive?

Sometimes...

Sometimes a painful bite is enough to bring you back to reality. Sometimes what is said is not what is listened. Sometimes synonyms don't mean the same. Sometimes your mind is full of delusions you never realized were there. Sometimes the boundary between a reaction of anger or hurt, laughing or crying is just the mood you were in at the time it happened. Sometimes rejecting reality seems more appealing than acknowledging it. Sometimes running appears to be the only attractive course of action. Sometimes you wake up wishing you were still asleep. Sometimes you regret not jumping that day. Sometimes there's no visible light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes there's no one that hates you more than yourself. Sometimes a guilty conscience consumes your thoughts all day. Sometimes you feel like all your time is wasted. Sometimes you only seem to be able to screw up. Sometimes you understand why your life is this way, why no one loves you. Sometimes your doubts and insecurities are enough to make you change your perception of everything. Sometimes you admit defeat. Sometimes you still glance at that window. But you're not looking through it, you're pondering an option.

"I'm scared to get close and I hate being alone.

I long for that feeling to not feel at all.

The higher I get, the lower I'll sink.

I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim."

- in "Can you feel my heart" by Bring me the Horizon

Train rides and realizations

Life's basic rules:

1º - Don't take anything for granted.

2º - Low expectations and ignorance are the key to happiness.

3º - The possibilities are endless. Nothing is definitely impossible, only until the day someone makes it possible.

4º - Regret is your greatest enemy, not fear. Because fear can be overcome.

5º - Objects are just that. They're not what matters.

Loyalty

"Always question where your loyalties lie. The people you trust will expect it, your greatest enemies will desire it, and those you treasure the most will, without doubt, abuse it. Some say loyalty inspires boundless hope. And while that may be, there's a catch: pure loyalty takes years to build, and only seconds to destroy."

- Emily Thorne in "Revenge"

So far from true

Every time you say I'm balanced, I just feel the guilt weighing stronger. 

Should I stay or should I go?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm still here because I'm waiting for a reason to stay or if I'm still here because I'm trying to let go of what's keeping me.

Saudade

I must say I truly thought I was incapable of missing someone. All the years of being apart from people I loved during long periods of time turned the need to see them again into simple indifference. Truth be told, growing up I've become numb to a multitude of things, dismissing various feelings and embracing the peacefulness of being alone. I can't even recall when was the last time I've missed my dad or my sister, yet against all odds, here I am missing you. What is it that makes you different? Could you be an exception? Oh I know this can't be good... Your absence most definitely should not be bothering me, actually you shouldn't even be on my mind let alone making me miss you. It would seem as my fascination with tragedy is getting to the point of my subconscious attempting to create one in my own life, either that or my masochistic heart really outdid himself this time. Sometimes I just wish there was a button to turn off these emotions...

"What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way,

What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you"

- in "Wicked Game" by Chris Isaak

Too quiet

"Silence like a cancer grows. 

Hear my words that I might teach you, 

Take my arms that I might reach you."

But my words like silent raindrops fell, 

And echoed 

In the wells of silence"

- in "The Sound of Silence" by Simon and Garfunkel

Confessions of a Broken Daughter

"Father's day? That's for people who have a father..."

Happy father's day! No. No, you don't get to hear those words for they are meant for a father, something you are not, something you haven't been for as long as I can remember. My sister had a father for some time, or so she says, as for me that almost resembles a myth. I'm sorry, I can't exactly tell you why you aren't a father because I don't know what truly having a father is like, but I know that this isn't it. You'll probably never realize how badly you messed me up. The idea of having two parents home everyday is inconceivable for me, such a foreign concept, it used to feel so weird when we all spent a week of vacation together because at the third day it already felt like too much time spent with you in a row. I used go to my friend's houses and seeing both their parents home would also make me equally uncomfortable. It was something so hard to wrap my brain around. Seeing people who were so close to their fathers, and then there I was thinking I didn't even knew where you were, where you slept or when I would see you again. I remember when the house phone would ring and someone would ask to speak to you, I'd say you weren't home and then they would ask when you'd be home, my answer used to be "I don't know" and truly I didn't, but after so many years of answering the same thing over and over, listening almost daily to that painful reminder that in fact you were never there, one day I simply stopped answering the phone, and to this day I still don't. Every time you called me, when I was little I'd ask you where you were, what you were doing and more but just like what happened with the house phone, as the years passed and I got older I stopped asking you those questions since I realized you didn't like to answer them and honestly over time I got more and more fearful of the answers to the point when I felt better not knowing anything at all. To cover for your absence you'd bring me gifts, didn't you ever learn that money can't buy happiness? Actually maybe you did learn it in the meantime since these days you never buy me gifts, not on my birthday, not even on Christmas. Heck, you even left on Christmas Eve two years ago, and last year, only bothered to show up on the 25th for lunch, once again assembling your gifts and leaving right afterwards. Perhaps I blame you too much, but I can't just lie and tell you that these things didn't scar me for life, why do you think I have abandonment issues? And don't even get me started on my trust issues... What the hell did you have in mind, talking on the phone with your mistress next to your small daughter? Seriously, how dumb did you think I was? Not that it mattered anyway... I already knew, I knew it years before when I foolishly decided to look at the screen of your phone and read a text to her that said that you were indecisive between choosing us or her. And god, I was just a child, barely 12 years old having my heart broken, all my childish delusions about happy endings, perfect love stories and happy families getting ripped apart. That was probably when my childhood ended too. Over the next years I grew up fast, but never had the courage to speak about it to anyone in my family until three years ago, even though I knew before that my sister was well aware of it such as my mother. You see, that was always the elephant in the room with us, something off limits to be discussed, so it would stay that way, continuously eating us alive as you did as you pleased. I'm sorry, actually maybe I shouldn't be sorry, but I can't forgive you. Not now, not ever I'm afraid. You broke me into pieces, and I'm still trying to find some of them to put back in place, but those pieces don't seem to fit anymore and I don't know what to do... But I can't treat you like a father, I can't call you today and say those words because you've hurt me so much and keep on doing so. And if I don't call, will you even notice?

"Father, father, tell me where have you been?

Its been hell not having you here

I've been missing you so bad

And you don't seem to care

When I go to sleep at night, you're not there

When I go to sleep at night, do you care?

Do you even miss us?

Your bottle's your mistress

I need to know, I need to know"

- in "A Trophy Father's Trophy Son" by Sleeping with Sirens

The sacred geometry of chance

"And if I told you that I loved you

You'd maybe think there's something wrong

I'm not a man of too many faces

The mask I wear is one"

- "Shape Of My Heart" by Sting

Just another thought about you

If you had met me today would you still have dated me? I don't think you would've liked this person I've turned into. I don't blame you for it, I don't think I like it either. I sleep in a bed made of regrets, bathe in mistakes, feed on sorrow, walk a path of broken promises, choke on the lies, drink up the poison, smoke what's left of you in me, cover my ears at the mention of your name, cry the blood that never learned to just stay inside my veins. But you know what? I don't like who you've become either so we best keep it this way, walking on opposite directions, eyes closed to the love that once made us walk together.

Decode

Because it's in the small words of the big sentences that the meaning lies. And if you weren't paying attention you'd have missed it. Like the minor details of your life's story, seemingly irrelevant at first but determinant once you view the bigger picture, key elements you only come to realize once the plot is fully revealed. And life's like that... If you stop just having your eyes open and really start seeing you'll realize that the changes are held in plain sight every day, when you're too close it may be hard to see them but that's just because you weren't focused enough, distracted by your biased perception. I've been watching closely, listening attentively to every single syllable, so now when the smallest of words is replaced or a simple gesture or attitude suffers modification, I'm able to realize it and sometimes even the meaning behind it becomes clear. A closed book opens up. Your words are no longer sound, they become underlying feelings. And that's what verbal language is about isn't it? Expressing feelings through noise perceived as associations of letters, as words. But words can be ever so misleading so I'll just keep on trusting what your body tells me until the day all of your languages speak as one.

Falling apart

Maybe the best analogy to describe my emotional state is a house of cards, so hard to assemble yet so easy to blow down.

Painfully sober

Is there any relief for this anguish I feel inside me? My eyes crave to shade some tears but I've denied myself the liberty to do so anymore. I figured it's about time I stopped giving you the privilege to be the source of my pain and whom my tears are directed to. The next craving in line is hunger but I'm stubbornly and in a delightfully masochistic way resisting the urge. I'm sick of crying, it's too bothersome, leaves too many evidence behind. And eating won't do me any good either, it actually goes against my objectives. So that leads me to my third craving: smoking. Smoking is something I do for either pleasure or boredom, I like it and I'm not very compelled to develop an addiction for it, also it helps a bit to get my head out of what's bothering me. Last but certainly not least comes alcohol, my personal favorite. The most effective way to ease the pain, always assuring a good mood and a couple of laughs, and I actually feel happy at that point despite how much it will mess me up afterwards.

Gosh I could really use a drink right now...

Would I?

"Looking back I still have so many questions

So many things unanswered

Like what did I do?

What could I do?

Was there ever a moment you cared?

Was I always ugly and abandoned

(...)

How could I have changed to make it better?

And would I?

Would I?

Why?

I still feel so much hate inside of me

Seems like you were just waiting for me to fail

I'm sorry I can't forgive you

Do you blame me?

You never forgave me

I've tried to grow from this

Every day is a new challenge

Because with you there's just no winning

Like it or not I'm still a part of you

And you're still a part of me

Like it or not you're still a part of me

Yeah

So this is how it ends

All the tears, all the blood

It's all been for nothing

As the candle dwindles and flickers out

The end"

- in "Diary Of A Deadman" by Five Finger Death Punch

Friday

Beautiful sunny day outside. Once under the sun I'm assaulted by a nostalgic feeling, so many happy memories filed under days like this. These were your type of days, warm and bright. It's only March yet the smell of summer lingers in the air today, reinforcing this feeling with another set of faraway memories. And just like that, nostalgia turns into melancholy in the blink of an eye. I hold back the tears as I keep walking under the unwavering heat the sun provides. Fetch my sunglasses to hide my shame, my watery eyes, always mirroring more of my soul than they should. Sunny warm days make me want to cry. I hate them for it.

"And it's just words and they cut deep"

"You'll never know the way your words have haunted me.

I can't believe you'd ask these things of me.

You don't know me."

- in "Snow White Queen" by Evanescence

The light will shine through the rain

"It won't be in vain

To swallow all your pain

And learn to love what burns

And gather courage to return"

- in "Devil May Cry" by The Weeknd

Rise above it

“When you go through tragedy, you can either let that destroy you and you become bitter and never let it go, or you can let it make you stronger and let it make you grow. And that's what I did. My lyrics are coming from a place that I want people to relate to and feel that they're not alone.” 

- Amy Lee

Loneliness termites

That which slowly consumes you on the inside, slowly but effectively until there's nothing left. Leaving you hollow, so much that the emptiness even starts reaching the surface. And in time it will reach a level so superficial that it will be plain for everyone to see how much you've died since that day. How much was it anyway...? Do you even recall it? Can you? Or has that notion been destroyed along with all that kept you sane and alive? You can't remember... And that's because ever since that day the world's blurrier than ever, there's no black, there's no white, no right, no wrong, no details, everything's blurry as even the days seem to blend together. And all the while you're lost in a place no light seems to reach, keep your eyes open as you might but there's only so much to be viewed in the dark. You can't make sense out of it so you remain unnervingly motionless, feet glued to a ground you didn't even want to be stepping on in the first place. But how could you ever reason irrationality?  Perhaps it's time you realize this is a game you cannot win. Trying to embrace it only made you someone you're not yet rejecting it only fueled the growing insanity within you, the only flower able to bloom on the dirt you filled the void inside with. And so this day you fight, to face reality while attempting to hold on to yourself. This is the only way, after all aren't you everything you have left? What will be left to lose after you've lost yourself?

Feeling Numb

"A tireless stream of indifference flows

Through veins till the river runs dry.

I no longer care I have all but disposed

Of dreams that I once held inside

Desire is gone after all of these years

The fight has been lost I concede

The apathy born a long time ago

Has grown to what I can't defeat

No"

-  in "All Hope is Gone" by Alter Bridge

For the worst

"My parents were normal. They did what most people would do. They made it worse. You think you're crazy long enough, you find a way out."

- John Constantine in "Constantine"

Demons

Caught up in the mist of my own demons, here I stand once again. Even when hiding they're ever present deep within the depths of my soul, eagerly waiting for the best time to strike. But who's to blame other than myself? It's crystal clear I 'm the one at fault.