Dear 2013, you sucked

This year forget the raisins, bring in 12 shots for all the times:

1. I got my heart broken
2. I screwed up
3. I cried
4. I fought for something not worth fighting for
5. I wanted to die
6. I lied
7. I got drunk
8. I smoked too much
9. I got high
10. I didn't even try
11. I lost my nerve
12. I got depressed

Bottom's up, see you next year. x)

No more nightmares?

In native american cultures dreamcatchers were built to only allow good dreams to filter through while bad dreams would stay in the net, disappearing with the light of day. 

Tonight we shall see if it works...

"Sweet dreams are made of these

Who am I to disagree?"

- in "Sweet Dreams" by Marilyn Manson

Give unto me

"I've been watching you from a distance

The distance sees through your disguise

All I want from you is your hurting

I want to heal you

I want to save you from the dark 

Give unto me your troubles

I'll endure your suffering

Place onto me your burden

I'll drink your deadly poison

Why should I care if they hurt you

Somehow it matters more to me

Than if I were hurting myself

Save you (save you)

I'll save you

...

Fear not the flame of my love's candle

Let it be the sun in your world of darkness

Give unto me all that frightens you

I'll have your nightmares for you

If you sleep soundly"

- in "Give unto me" by Evanescence 

Tired of Living #1

- in The Book of Bunny Suicides by Andy Riley

Hide'n'Seek

I spent so much time believing you were ashamed of me, that this was the reason why we were only honest of who we were in the shadows... Now I wonder if you were really just ashamed of yourself, embarrassed of admitting to others what you once displayed so proudly for everyone to see. Sad how this close minded world took your pride away. This is the life you chose so go ahead, live you life lying to everyone, lying to yourself while you pretend we were never in love.

"I need someone I leave through the front door with

‘Cause we don’t wanna hide no more

‘Cause you’re not shy no more

Neither one of us wanna play the side no more"

- in "Girls Love Beyoncé" by Drake 

Kill me, just kill me

“I don't want to see anyone. I lie in the bedroom with the curtains drawn and nothingness washing over me like a sluggish wave. Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. I have done something wrong, something so huge I can't even see it, something that's drowning me. I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead.”

― Margaret Atwood, Cat's Eye

Merry Christmas

I hope you're all having a good time with your families and enjoying your presents. 

My present is happily munching on a carrot. :3 Thank you.

Confession

"As wicked as you are, you're beautiful to me,

You're the darkest burning star, you're my perfect disease"

- in "The Bleeding" by Five Finger Death Punch

As I lay here it's clear my heart is open to you. Only you...

.

.

.

Who knew? 

Speak up

"Wish I was too dead to care,

If indeed I cared at all,

Never had a voice to protest,

So you fed me shit to digest"

- in "Bother" by Stone Sour

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen."

- Winston Churchill

Xmas

"Christmas... is not an external event at all, but a piece of one's home that one carries in one's heart."

- Freya Stark

Dedicated to my big sister:

Christmas starts today when your plane lands,

When I'm eagerly awaiting you in the arrivals lobby,

When I don't even try to fight the huge smile forming at my lips as I finally see you,

When I run towards you and pull you into a smothering hug,

When I grab your bags and walk you to the car,

When we're driving home and I excitedly chat with you,

When you enter our house for the first time in god know how many months,

And my family is finally together again,

We're fewer every year and death keeps taking away those we love,

Not even worth mentioning are the ones who left by choice,

But you're here now and that's all that matters to me,

There could never be a Christmas without you home.

Every teardrop is a waterfall

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love."

- Washington Irving

More than meets the eye

"Sometimes I wish I could be like him. I know that some of the things he does are bad, real bad even. But I think it's possible to be both good and bad at the same time. If he was doing it to help someone it's good... Isn't it?"

- Victoria in Hitman: Absolution

Winter

I love the winter and I honestly don't understand why doesn't everyone. It's by far the most beautiful season, specially when snow and rain come in the equation. And the air is just so light, so easy to breathe in and refreshing.

Something other nice about winter time is the clothing, I love long coats, gloves, scarfs and beanies. On the other hand, I dislike long sleeves, it just constricts my movements so much that I find it utterly annoying and so I spend most winter wearing t-shirts. Now, this is something most people have a hard time understanding and I often get the question: "Aren't you cold?". No! For the hundredth time no i'm not cold and even if I was I wouldn't mind because I absolutely love how it feels... I'm sorry though if my comfort in cold weather comes as a shock to you but you can use as a consolation the fact that I'm very uncomfortable in the summer's heat to the point it gets unbearable.

I could stay all year long in the winter and I'd truly be happy. 
❄ Just freezing away with a smile on my face. ❄

Sketching #1: The mohawk skull

Long story short: I felt like drawing a skull x) 

Also my drawings seem to reflect how I feel and so some interesting conclusions could be drawn from this particular piece. Like how I'm unable to draw anything remotely happy until I actually feel that way.

Unavailable

- You should find someone...
- Making myself available to date would be like a store putting up a broken doll for sale.

"'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome,

And I don't feel right when you're gone away.

You've gone away,

You don't feel me here anymore."

- "Broken" by Seether ft. Amy Lee 

Fuck Yeah! Vacat... Wait. It's a trap!

Note to family: No classes ≠ Vacations

 

Pluviophile

Rain, why won't you stop avoiding me? I long to be under one of your fresh showers, soaking to the bone and oh so happy inside, allowing the cold to consume all my warmth and leaving me to freeze at the wind's mercy. (Yet my body could never be as cold as my soul feels...)

Grant my wish and command your drops to flow freely from the skies above straight down at my face and make the chilling temperature embrace me whole, making my breath visible and lowering my skin's temperature to it's own.

Rain, set me under your spell once again, surround me as I cry what's let of my heart and allow my tears to merge with your own, say you'll fix me, say you'll set me free, and turn me into your water, setting my fate to an eternity in your comfort.

Pluviophile

(n) a lover of rain; someone who finds joy and peace of mind during rainy days.

Tattoos are sexy

Or maybe it's him, not sure.

Release me

Do you know what's like to wake up every morning with that same feeling? A tremendous wanting, a voice inside my head telling me to look for her, to text her, to go talk to her. I keep trying to ignore it along with the pain that slowly creeps in my chest soon after. Please just shut up for once... Stop adding to my torture... I won't listen to you, I can't...

And as if that wasn't enough I keep seeing girls that look like her, wear the same clothes and accessories, got the same body type, same posture, same hair or even same voice. They're usually in the distance and not facing me, causing doubt to form deep within. My heart skips a beat and I hold my breath without even realizing it, only noticing when the need for air becomes too great to ignore. But in the end it's not her. It's never her... And I get both relieved and disappointed wishing this would be the day that I finally got to see you again. It's best this way though, I don't feel that I have the strength to face you just yet (or ever, I fear).

Every time I think I'm moving on I realize that what I'm really doing is merely rejecting your existence, avoiding all that correlates to you in hopes my denial will make you disappear and I won't have to deal with these feelings, the only thing you didn't take with you and the only thing I wish you did. Yet the cruel reality is that I'm haunted by you, not a single day goes by that I don't think of you and how terribly empty I feel now that you're gone.

Take me away

Just for today...

"We're leaving here tonight

There's no need to tell anyone

They'd only hold us down

So by the mornings light

We'll be half way to anywhere

Where no one needs a reason" 

- in "Anywhere" by Evanescence 

REDRUM

"Welcome to where time stands still

No one leaves and no one will,

Moon is full, never seems to change,

Just labeled mentally deranged,

Dream the same thing every night,

I see our freedom in my sight,

No locked doors, no windows barred,

No things to make my brain seem scarred"

- "Welcome Home (Sanitarium)" by Metallica 

"But my design is a mixture of descent and decay,

I see a monster in the mirror fucking everyday,

Can a man ever wash his hands of blood?

Perpetual deja vu, isn't that enough?"

- "Idle hands" by Stone Sour 

Surrender

Baby, I'm here to pick you up. Come on, I'll take you where you belong...

...HELL

"Darling, there's no sense in running,

You know I will find you."

"You will surrender to me,

There's no escaping from me."

- in "Surrender" by Evanescence 

Sadistic Pleasure

"One, I love hurting you

Two, I love your pain

Three, let’s get together and

Play the sinner’s game

Four is for the torture and

Five is for the shame

Cause every time you want it

I get off on this game

You wanted to play

The coldness follows

This isn’t a game

Your life, I’ll swallow

And I can’t help

But smile at your pain

You wanted to play

But I already won" 

- in "Lullaby For A Sadist" by Korn

Friday the 13th

How unfortunate for those who suffer from friggatriskaidekaphobia. x)

PS: Beware of the commemorative sadistic posts that are to follow.

Ohana

You were once my family, just you. You meant everything to me, you were the smile on my lips. But things change, you changed and then you left. Heartbreak made me wiser, I built a family of my own with people that proved to me time after time that they're worth it, they're here for me and I'm here for them. Like you once were but now no longer. I built a family of friends, not many, but just about enough. My family isn't perfect, nor I want us to be, we're just who we are: a little pained, quite broken, a bit nerdy, slightly antisocial, misunderstood by most and very very weird. 
I got myself a family of weirdos, but I don't mind, I'm just like them...

"Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind. Or forgotten."

Lilo 

"This is my family. I found it, all on my own. Is little, and broken, but still good. Yeah, still good." 

Stitch 

寿司

Still my only healthy addiction...

I've missed you

It's been a while hasn't it? Guess I need you more than I realize, you're my peaceful thinking, my rest, my introspection time. I need you to think back on what I've been doing, what's been happening. You see, the day is just too bright for me so I eagerly await to be with you when night falls. Dim the lights or simply turn the off. As you embrace me all the bullshit fades away, for a few moments the world disappears and only the darkness remains. Everything's so calm, it's just so very comforting for me. Doesn't mean everything's okay though, you allow me to think more clearly and I must confess, it doesn't always make it better, the truth is hardly ever pleasant and I find myself wishing I didn't know nearly as much. Then again, when I'm sitting in the dark I feel as though everything will turn out okay, I'll be okay. You're my hope.

Funny how the same thing I used to be awfully terrified of is now something I long for, 

my solace.

The last song I'm wasting on you

You're not worthy of my tears, yet I shed them all for you,
You're so cruel to me, yet I can't bring myself to treat you badly,
You're so full of lies feeding me them to me until the very end, yet I still regret ever lying to you,
You're incapable of truly loving anyone, yet I wasted all my love on you,
You broke my heart, what was left of it I broke fighting the urge to chase after you.
.
.
.
You're never coming back are you?

I'm with you

"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light." 

- Helen Keller

Locked inside myself

We spend so much time thinking of what's right or wrong, what would other people think and what's frowned upon that we stop ourselves from doing what we truly want . We're the ones who limit ourselves, who name what's possible and what isn't when in reality there are so many more possibilities. Why must we chain ourselves  with our own free will? Set limits to our freedom and our life.

Break the chains, set yourself free. 

Only you can do it, remember who's really blocking you, you are. And who cares what other people think about what you do or who you are... I can assure you that in your deathbed, other people's opinions will be the last thing on your mind, your brain saturated with regrets: Why didn't I do what I truly wanted? Chased my dreams? How come I worked so much? Spent so little time with those I loved? Didn't keep in touch with friends? Never did all those things I said I'd do someday? This is where we hit the mark, someday = never. The life you spend so much time wishing for could truly be yours... if only you'd stop wishing and started doing. And to start you must only do one simple thing: Set yourself free.

"If you always put limit on everything you do, physical or anything else. It will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them."

- Bruce Lee