Writer's block/ Rant about hope

When I'm depressed the words flow from my heart just like water flows down a river. It has a certain beauty to it, holds a deep meaning too. Something to remind us that even the darkest things can sustain a bright side. It sheds some light over disaster, some hope that even when things are looking down, maybe tomorrow it will be okay. And I'll keep a tight grip onto that prospect. I'm in the bottom of the well but as long as I believe a rope exists I'll be able to feel it in the dark even if my eyes can't see it just now.

"And the salt in my wounds isn't burning anymore than it used to,

It's not that I don't feel the pain, it's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore,

And the blood in these veins isn't pumping any less than it ever has,

And that's the hope I have, the only thing I know that's keeping me alive"

- in "Last Hope" by Paramore

Until the stars stop shining

Some times I lay awake through the night. Some nights I can't take some things away from my mind, some times not something but someone. And here I lay, restless as I flip and turn in my sheets. Searching through the questions as the answers always seem to find a way to evade me. There's not even a hint of light in the room yet I keep my eyes open. All I see is the darkness in a perpetual embrace with me, soothing me, but never giving away nothing that could actually help me overcome this. The darkness is the safety net but this path I lead... This path I have to get through on my own.

Suicide is a form of murder

"When you don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream. But seeing death, really seeing it, makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous. Maybe, there's a moment growing up when something peels back... Maybe, maybe, we look for secrets because we can't believe our minds..."

- Susanna Kaysen in Girl, Interrupted

Make it rain as I cry...

"Look me in the eyes, say that again.

Take me to your chest, and let me in.

Give me mouth-to-mouth, and make amends.

Knock me off my feet like heroin.

No need to disguise or to pretend.

Don't misconstrue and don't misapprehend.

There's nothing left, no fortress, to defend.

And tonight's the night that we begin the end."

- in "Begin the End" by Placebo

Incarcerated Heart

I'm feeling trapped again. I can't breathe no more. And there are so many things I want to do. So many things I need to say but this lump in my throat leaves no space. My chest feels heavy, I can't stay. It feels like I'm choking within myself. I can't even put it into words because these are not ideas but feelings. And feeling is what I do. All too much. All too heavily. All too painfully. Until like a supernova I explode and suddenly there's nothing again. And I'm empty. And I can't feel. Suddenly back where I began.