Countdown to destruction

We're nothing but sandcastles built upon unstable ground. Apply glue, showcase a fake stability to the outside eye. But our condition is everlasting, as soon as the wind blows stronger, as the tides approach, we crumble, we fall. Just like that the ground is swept from underneath our feet. We were never made to last, we're just here to look divine, even if just for a fleeting second until we meet our fate.

Pull through

"So your scars fade away

You soaked up the pain

A better person 'cause you lived through those days

And now you know what it's like to prove

You can overcome anything that gets to you

Well it's alright

We're sayin' our goodbyes

To the past and everything that ain't right

We won't waste another day

With all these silly things in our way

There's no giving up now"

- in "No Giving Up" by Crossfade

Going in circles

I haven't been writing... Mostly it's due to the fact that I haven't been thinking either. There's no point in doing so, the solutions I seek I can't seem to find. Every once in a while though they seem to find me. And I push them away. Not really sure how to go about this I refuse every opportunity I'm given. It's one of those "no wrong answers" situations yet there are no right answers either. Not wanting to deal with it I attempt to ignore it until reality becomes painfully obvious. I wish things were different... Careful what you wish for... But the one thing I want it's the one thing I can't have so what do I have to lose?

Two-faced

"I always thought I could trust you

but I guess that's not the case

All the years that I loved you

You were out there playing the games

You didn't think that I would find out

but it was written all over the place

Is it what you really want now?

Then get the fuck out of my face

How could you deceive me?

I'm begging you to leave me

Go to hell

I'm better off without you

All is well

I'd rather be alone than

To have you

To hold you

and never know you

(...)

How do you look in the mirror?

How do you stand the sight of your face?"

- in "Live this down" by Papa Roach

No happy endings

"No more holding it in

How many years can I pretend

Nothing never goes the way it should

No more sitting in this place

Hoping you might see it my way

Cause I don't think you ever understood

That what I'm looking for are the answers

To why these questions never go away

I'm so far away

I've been changin' but you'll never see me now"

- in "So Far Away" by Crossfade

Last thursday

Sitting in the bus I let a quiet sigh escape my lips. It's been eight hours since I started my return, still two more to go. Unable to sleep despite my tiredness my thoughts drift away. It's hard not to compare the current situation to that of a year ago, it's all too similar, just like a déjà vu, yet so different. Hope and wanting filled my heart back then, there was this anxiousness in the air. Not now though. I'm feeling incomplete in a way, but I can't say I'm not excited to return either. I'm glad to be headed home. After what happened I used to think there was nothing out there for me. I was wrong. I've got them. No matter how much shit life throws our way, we still got each other to hold on to. Even if we're as brokenhearted as they come we'll keep on supporting each other. And this is enough. I love you guys.

Heading home

"Watching all my deepest fears just crawling on the ceiling,

These colonial bricks and beams are just not enough to hold me,

All I got is my hopes and dreams and this cranberry stoli.

I get by I get by,

I get by I get by,

I get high I get high,

But tomorrow’s goodbye"

- in "We get by" by JoJo

Absent-minded

                                                              - How are you feeling?

                                                              - Depressed.

                                                              - Why?

                                                              - I don't even know...

Requiem

Another day goes by a thousand nights,

The sun doesn't shine where the light can't reach,

So I hide within the shadows where no man dare preach,

The void I feel tells me something's missing,

Yet words of wisdom never saved me from collision,

So I keep gambling away all those chances I don't have,

Attempting to live in the present ever since even the future got out of hand,

What can I say it makes me feel alive,

What can I say, I'm still waiting to hear you say the past was a lie.

Pour me a drink, another sleepless night

What does it mean? I want you to tell me but you can't. And I can't ask so how would you even know the question? Sorry I'm no good at reading between the lines. I've learned not to assume certain things, it's my protection against disappointment. What I'm good at is predicting outcomes. I can often see two moves ahead, but not with you. With you I can't say, can't see, can't do, can't ask. What I really want to do...  I can't put into words. And I can't see myself playing this game, I've lost before the first dice roll. I think maybe I've gotten the question all wrong. Not what does it mean but: 

Do you mean it?