Up the north montain

 

So each year when summer arrives I escape to winter.

Spring nicht

"A piece of glass 

In the sand under your feet 

It cuts you deep 

And makes you hate the beauty 

That you see 

And you wonder where you are 

How you ever got so far 

Now you question what went wrong 

It's your heart 

It's raining again 

There's a dark cloud 

Over your head 

It follows you 'round 

It's bringing you down 

It's raining 

It's raining again"

- in "Raining Again" by Staind

How to deal with life

Sometimes it's just too obvious that I grew up reading Calvin & Hobbes comics...

You see the signs, but you can't read

"Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff, oh yeah

It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough

You know you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to love"

- in "Addicted to Love" by Skylar Grey

それは 何もない

"Well I know the words, but I can't really speak them 

To you 

And I hide all the pain that I've gained with my wisdom 

From you 

And I'm eaten alive by what I hold inside 

All the things that I live with I can't easily hide 

And I'm left here with nothing, nothing to live for 

But you"

- in "Excess Baggage" by Staind

Atelophobia

“Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.”

― Iyanla Vanzant

♪ Songs for Letters ♫

In response to Zen's post: 
Spell Your Name With Songs

Can you feel my heart - Bring Me The Horizon

Reckless - Papa Roach

It's been a while - Staind

Marvin's Room - Drake

Savin'me - Nickelback

Over and Over - Three Days Grace

Numb - Linkin Park

Raining again - Staind

Everybody's Fool - Evanescence

Good Enough - Evanescence

Rise Today - Alter Bridge

Epiphany - Staind

The Bleeding - Five Finger Death Punch

   ♪ ♫ ♩ ♬♪ ♫ ♩ ♬   

There are not enough hours

"Dislocated, I lie awake

Suffocating in my mistakes.

I lost my halo when I fell from grace,

But maybe next time I won't throw it all away.

I ask myself everyday...

If I could find the words, if I could shake the world,

If I could turn back time would you still be there?"

- in "Would you still be there" by Of Mice & Men

Memories in Sound

This was the song of the very first night with my ex. It felt so right, all the words fit so perfectly. I can't tell you how many times I listened to it while trying to figure out if it had all just been a dream... Now every single syllable burns me more than any raging flame could ever. It hurts... It's ruined, destroyed beyond fixing. It's sad, so sad, because this song signaled a deep change in my life. It helped me cope with these fucked up feelings and notions of self I'd never had to face before. Admitting to myself was hard, finding courage to admit to others was... Harder. And then facing the consequences, ironically, of being myself. It's been over a year since I've last heard it, unlike that last time, now those chords at the very beginning hit me hard, like a punch in the stomach. But you know what? Tonight I'm hitting rock bottom so I might as well give it all I've got.

"And I'd give up forever to touch you

'Cause I know that you feel me somehow

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

And I don't wanna go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment

And all I can breathe is your life

When sooner or later it's over

I just don't wanna miss you tonight"

- in "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls

Predictable unpredictability

Walking forward carefully as to not step in our past's shadow. Continuously walking as to avoid the stillness that threatens to destroy us. But when it's so dark all around, who's to say we're not just going in circles, for to move does not mean to advance... The sorrow shaped us. The fear fueled us. We've learned to lean the other way knowing that although the past can't be rewritten, the regrets we've accumulated can drive us towards the path we should be pursuing. Onto a whole new direction, one our footsteps never traced.

Unorthodox inner fights

These days it's getting harder to... Stop it, say no more. Hide those eyes. No one needs to see that pain reflected. If you're hurting, do it quietly. If you're losing control keep it beneath your skin. They don't need to see it. You don't want to answer for it. How could you explain something that shouldn't exist? If you're tired keep holding on. No one's going to carry your burdens. No one can know. They're not real remember...? They don't exist. If you're not strong enough to walk the final mile, then you shouldn't even start that sentence. If there's no confrontation then there's no need to run. And running you do, a lot. From reality, from yourself, from what you feel, from what you know is true. You go as far as admitting it to yourself, but you still don't trust people enough to say it out loud. Better this way, isn't it? When it's said it's real. There's no going back. But you know that's just a huge mistake waiting to happen so you'll remain in silence. If you can't bare to see it then look away. You can't... You won't... But the hope never dies, the what ifs and maybes that haunt you deep at night. The over-analyzation you can't help but to indulge in. Something to keep your head working non-stop around the clock. What are you waiting for anyway? Something that won't happen? The hope lives on but you believe no longer, got slapped enough times to feel the burn before the hand even touches down. Guess some of us are just masochistic... I know I am.