Dreams

I need something to chase after. Maybe this is it, maybe "one day" isn't good enough, maybe it's time. Time to stop dreaming only when I'm asleep. I'll take my changes, pursue those dreams, start dreaming while I'm awake. Maybe things will change maybe not, either way this is the only life I've got, one change, one shot. I can't sustain a passive role in my life any longer, I need to take matters into my own hands. And then "one day" will turn into today, but for now let's start tomorrow and see how it goes. I don't long for control, the more we desire it the less we own of it, so I'll focus on the small things, access the winds, figure it out as I go. No. Actually, tomorrow is too far away. It starts now. 

And then I never looked back...

Why...?

"Come one and all and see the broken man, talking to himself,

He sits and waits for something better, he'll never find it here,

The people touch his hair and pinch his cheek; he can't even feel it,

There it goes again, he's listening to someone,

He hears the bitter laughter,

And all he wants to know is...

Why... does any of it matter? (I can't take it anymore)

You've gotta try... the inhale that makes the exhale so much better"

- in "Inhale" by Stone Sour

Poem for the hopeless

Tell me it's okay, tell me it's alright... 

 Say it straight to my face, I don't care, it's fine...

I needed a lie to believe in anyway,
Trying my hardest to keep the feelings at bay,

Ever since reality stopped being enough motivation to breathe,
All hell inside me seems to have been freed,
I keep casting my eyes towards the sky,

Yet I know I'll never find deliverance until I die,

So take me angel of death, 

And carry my luggage of burdens,
At last being lifted of my shoulders,

Leave me bare,
May the world see me for who I am,

Throw me into the cold,

Let freeze what's left of my soul,

Emotions have become dispensable,

The root of all that's regrettable,

Strip me of all living essence,

Maybe in death I'll find my way to forgiveness.

When you reach the limit, just keep enduring

When I ask you to leave, just go... Don't make me beg... Do you even realize how much it takes of me to showcase a straight face, how much I'm hurting yet trying to hold it all together because I don't want you to see me break down into tears. I hate how much this pains me... It's not about a house or objects, I don't care about any of that, that doesn't mean shit to me. What matters is the principle, the memories, it's the disappointment that hurts... More and more each day until I'm set free from this physical world.

"So when I got away, I only kept my scars. The Other Me Is Gone.

Now I don't know where I belong...

We were never alive, and we won't be born again.

But I'll never survive with Dead Memories in my heart."

- in "Dead Memories" by Slipknot

Poem for the doomed

As your words fill up my ears,

The more reality confirms my fears,

The happy ending is getting further away,

As the despair grows bigger each and every day,

Not knowing how to deal with it I just turn it all into hate,

I'll be going straight to hell at this rate,

Turn up the volume, no need to hear my thoughts anymore,

For there is nothing more I'd love than for them to ignore,

As my heart shatters into a million tears,

I wait and wait yet salvation never appears.

Duality

"He's what you want, he's what you want, 

He's what you want, he's what you want...

I'm what you need, what you need, what you need..."

- in "What you need" by The Weeknd

About love

When you love someone a lot you have two choices, either try to claim them for yourself or let them go. While the first anyone can do, provided they can muster up the courage to do so, the former is much harder. To sacrifice your own selfish desires, give up your happiness for theirs, to love someone so deeply that you willingly step out of the picture to make way for someone else to take the one your heart beats for. It kills you to let them go, but you do so anyway... Thinking that their happiness will be enough to cover for the absence of your own. If it was indeed enough, then why does even the mere thought of them hurt you so? And looking will never be anything but bittersweet, knowing you can see yet never touch, never own... Never yours. But perhaps the worst is wondering if you made the right decision. Could I have made you happier than anyone else? And lastly, the inevitable question: Would I have been happy?

Flashbacks

Walking up the stairs I stop dead in my tracks and remain motionless gazing at the empty corner until a couple of seconds later I finally get out of my daze and resume walking. Seating on the train, quietly fidgeting with my phone as I read something, I suddenly withdraw my eyes from the screen to fixate my gaze somewhere outside, lost in thought yet again until the moment ends, just as fast as it had arrived. Now I'm wishing there was an option to simply skip all these damn flashbacks, because I don't want to live in the past any longer, I want to move forward.

Sempiternal

What's the point in life if not to die? I won't ever understand why would anyone ever desire an eternal life for that would remove all that makes life precious: Ephemerality. Without it all would be meaningless, worthless. And who'd want to live like that?

Breakeven

It still breaks my heart every time I hear it but, somehow, it doesn't make me cry anymore. I'm thankful for that, though I wonder if I should, being thankful for a growing indifference that is... My soul is crying hard, all my insides are shredded, the pain burns all over my chest, my throat tightens and I can't fight it. Singing makes it all worse, but I'm a masochist so it's no surprise I keep on reciting the lyrics as the feeling intensifies. What can I say? Part of me still loves that song, there's so much I can relate to, that band had such a special place in my heart, I only regret forging all that meaning to the notion of you.

Inappropriate yet accurate

"When the rain is blowing in your face

And the whole world is on your case

I could offer you a warm embrace

To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear

And there is no one there to dry your tears

I could hold you for a million years

To make you feel my love"

- in "Make you feel my love" by Adele

Sketching #2: Zombie Boy

'Cause this guy's tattoo's are epic, just that.

And I know, I fucked up the proportions...

Somber

I'm sorry, sometimes I say things I don't mean for the sake of inflicting pain, spitting venom without realizing it until it's done. Wishing too see reflected in others the hurt I see inside me, in a frail attempt to lighten this burden. It doesn't, plus it accommodates guilt. Oh sweet guilt, for what I did, what I didn't do, what I could have done, what I thought of doing, but mostly for what I feel. No, I have no need for any more guilt inside, but I keep on deserving it. As for my cruel words I fear if they're just a sign of weakness or true nature. Fight it as you might, whenever we act on impulse we can't hide who we are. Revenge tastes better than ever, satisfaction that's your's for the taking, within your reach every time you carelessly forget to bind your arms behind your back. And there you have it, your dark side has surfaced yet again, you won't ever achieve an absolution greater than your sins so why do you still bother to chase after the righteous thing to do? When all is said and done, this desire for redemption will be your demise. It already is...

"But you choose to be concealed"

"What does it mean,

When your heart's already numb,

You're professional,

Won't treat it like it's personal,

No, this is just love,

It always makes it's way back around,

It's dispensable,

To fall is unacceptable,

Cause everything you've been through made you stronger,

And every day you learn about yourself,

And nothing really played out how it's supposed to"

- in "Professional" by The Weeknd

Cold and calculating, you bring out the worst in me

You may have achieved victory yesterday but do not misinterpret, you most surely have not won. I conceded you this victory albeit you might not have realized it. It's part of the illusion you see, I'll let you think you've clipped my wings but you should know you can't keep me contained. This isn't a battle of wits, for me it's a matter of perception. And I still haven't decided how I'll play this but I just might feed your eyes what they desire to see, which obviously does not need to reflect my true actions or motives. So do as you wish, I'll have it my way, I always do.

And anything can happen

Having plans made in advance is good. 

Having a seemingly free day living it in the moment making up new plans as you go is even better. 

Those are the craziest days, making up for the best memories. 

That's when we're at the top of our freedom, when we play with the unexpected. 

Those are the times I don't ever want to forget,  those are the moments I live for.

Judgement day

"If you could see me now would you recognize me?

Would you pat me on the back or would you criticize me?

Would you follow every line on my tear-stained face

(...)

Would you stand in disgrace or take a bow

Oh if you could see me now (Oh if you could see me now)

Would you call me a saint or a sinner?

Would you love me a loser or winner?"

- in "If you could see me now" 

by The Script

Perhaps the question should be, can you see me now? 

"This will probably creep you out, but there's an old man standing next to you. I meant to tell you this before. White hair but lacking some, beard, around sixty or seventy years old, there's an N in his name. He likes you very much... It's up to you to figure out who he is..."

I'm not creeped out, it's just that while I know that's not very specific, except for one detail that description fits my late grandfather very well. And I still haven't been able to shake that thought away...

Save your breath

Why make them if you don't intend to keep them?

I'm sorry, I can't.

Remember kids, when it comes to your deepest secrets trust no one and take them to the grave with you. Even if it hurts. Specially if it hurts.

"My secrets are burning a hole through my heart

And my bones catch a fever

When it cuts you up this deep

It's hard to find a way to breathe"

- in "Sleepwalking" by Bring me the Horizon

Postponing, all day long

So, what are you really great at?

Procrastinating.

Freedom, just another word for nothing left to lose

"Late night sex, smokin’ cigarettes,

I try real hard but I can’t forget,

Now in a heartbeat, I would do it all again,

Now I see that you and me were never meant,

Never meant to be now,

Now I’m lost somewhere,

Lost between Elvis and suicide,

Ever since the day we died, well,

I’ve got nothing left to lose"

- in "Nothing Left To Lose" 

by The Pretty Reckless

Decisions

I guess this is one of those character defining moments... 

So what are you going to do? 

Shit, what am I going to do?

"I believe in taking chances and living your life. Sometimes doors open and others close and you have to figure out which one you're going to take. I'm always for the one that's challenging."

- Gisele Bundchen

Well for a lonely soul, you're having such a nice time

"And why'd you say It's just another day, nothing in my way 

I don't wanna go, I don't wanna stay 

So there's nothing left to say 

And why'd you lie 

When you wanna die, when you're hurt inside 

Don't know what you lie for anyway 

Now there's nothing left to say "

- in "Nothing in my way" by Keane

Do or Die

It's time to do it, no thinking allowed. Thinking only increases the doubt and fear within until you're fully paralyzed. So follow your impulse, shut down the train of thought and go for it. Time to claim what's rightfully yours, time to follow your dreams. 

No more imagining, today we live.