Friday, 28 February 2014

それ が 私 の 心 を 壊す


"Cause I love me, I love me enough for the both of us
That's why you trust me, I know you been through more than most of us
So what are you, what are you, what are you so afraid of?
Darling you, you give but you cannot take love"
- in "From Time" by Drake ft. Jhené Aiko

Thursday, 27 February 2014

Liebster Award

"O Liebster Award foi criado para ser atribuído a blogs com menos de duzentos seguidores, ajudando-os deste modo a tornarem-se mais conhecidos."

Objectivos:
A) Partilhar onze factos sobre nós próprios;
B) Responder a onze perguntas que a pessoa, que nos nomeou, fez;
C) Nomear onze blogues;
D) Fazer onze perguntas.

A) Partilhar onze factos sobre nós próprios:
  1. Eu tenho sérios "trust issues" que combinados com a minha timidez para com estranhos e o facto de eu ser maioritariamente introvertida não fazem de mim a pessoa mais social à face da Terra.
  2. Eu amo viajar, quanto mais longe de casa melhor... Ir ao Japão é um dos meus sonhos.
  3. É muito raro que eu me chateie com alguém, mas quando tal acontece consigo ser bastante intimidadora.
  4. Sou uma gamer, actualmente possuo sessenta jogos para a ps3.
  5. Não tenho qualquer tipo de capacidades no que toca a lidar com pessoas que se estejam a fazer a mim. (mas estou a trabalhar nisso!)
  6. Não há muito que me faça mais feliz do que ser capaz de ajudar aqueles que importam para mim.
  7. Sou bissexual e a única pessoa que verdadeiramente amei até hoje foi uma rapariga.
  8. Seria incapaz de viver sem lasanha, esparguete à bolonhesa e sushi.
  9. Adoro desenhar, é provavelmente o meu passatempo favorito.
  10. Sou uma excelente mentirosa, facto do qual não me orgulho.
  11. Sou alguém que não conhece limites e moderação não é de todo uma boa palavra para me descrever. Isto é algo que se reflecte tanto nas minhas qualidades bem como nos meus defeitos.

B) Responder a onze perguntas que a pessoa, que nos nomeou, fez.

Como te caracterizas enquanto pessoa?
Sou uma pessoa que não deposita a sua confiança em qualquer um nem deixa muita gente aproximar-se, mas para aqueles deixo chegar perto de mim sou bastante leal e capaz de fazer praticamente qualquer coisa para os ver feliz. Gosto de ajudar os outros, faz-me sentir que sou útil para alguma coisa. Sou orgulhosa e bastante teimosa quando já tomei uma decisão. Adoro sentir-me livre e faço apenas o que quero, conseguindo persuadir com relativa facilidade os outros quando tal se revela necessário. Tenho um estranho e sádico sentido de humor e enquanto estiver bem disposta estarei a conversar animadamente e a dizer piada atrás de piada. Sou ciumenta e possessiva, por muito que o tente reprimir. Sou determinada e quando estou decidida a fazer algo sigo até ao fim, auto-disciplinando-me até atingir o objectivo. Tenho mudanças de humor demasiado frequentes, não sendo muito emocionalmente estável. Sou essencialmente regida pelos meus sentimentos, no entanto não sou muito impulsiva e não perco facilmente a calma.

Qual é a coisa mais importante da tua vida, actualmente?
É complicado responder a isto, sei que provavelmente a coisa mais importante da minha vida não é aquilo que devia ser. O meu cérebro racional diz que devia ser a universidade e os meus estudos mas a minha fracção emocional diz que é algo inteiramente diferente. Digamos que é habitual eu ter as minhas propriedades trocadas e os dias que correm não fogem à regra. Não vou mencionar o que acho que é, pois não quero lidar com o que a minha resposta implica e suas óbvias consequências, pelo menos de momento. E convenhamos, esse assunto é essencialmente uma grande dor de cabeça para mim.

Se fosses um animal qual serias? Porquê?
É engraçado que esta foi a pergunta mais difícil para mim. Depois de bastante ponderação, acho que seria um lobo do árctico (Canis lupus arctos). Porquê? Pois habitam num clima árctico, sendo capazes de sobreviver num ambiente com temperaturas negativas durante anos para além que vivem durante 5 meses por ano em completa escuridão. Têm pequenos grupos familiares, mantêm o mesmo parceiro a vida toda e a alcateia opera sob um sistema de entre-ajuda. Suponho que devido às características atrás mencionadas me identifico bastante com estes animais. E apesar de também não ser complicado para mim identificar-me com a espécie canina, é no espírito selvagem, livre e nunca completamente domado dos lobos que mais me revejo.

Qual a citação com que mais te identificas?
    "Para ser grande, sê inteiro: nada
    Teu exagera ou exclui.
    Sê todo em cada coisa. Põe quanto és
    No mínimo que fazes.
    Assim em cada lago a lua toda
    Brilha, porque alta vive."

    - Ricardo Reis, 14-2-1933
O que achas da tua escrita?
Honestamente, nunca considero a minha escrita boa o suficiente. Existe sempre algo que não me agrada, que não me soa bem ou que gostaria de alterar. Não aprecio de modo algum a minha escrita em português. E por muito que goste da minha língua materna, simplesmente não me sinto tão confortável a escrever em português daí optar pela escrita em inglês para o blog (e não só, dado que é comum para mim escrever sms em inglês ou mesmo introduzir o inglês em conversa).

Qual o teu tipo de dia preferido?
Uma vez que esta pergunta pode ter diversas interpretações, vou dar duas respostas:
1ª - Dias chuvosos! :3 Dêem-me nuvens, chuva e frio e eu estarei feliz.
2ª - Dias sem aulas (ou mesmo que hajam aulas, que eu falte às mesmas), passados com amigos e sem planos definidos (hooray para a espontaneidade :D ) E noites longas, apenas indo dormir após o nascer do sol.

Quais os teus artistas de cinema preferidos? E de música?
Uhmm artistas de cinema... Johnny Depp, Jennifer Aniston, Scarlett Johansson, Angelina Jolie, Pierce Brosnan, Brad Pitt, Matt Bomer, Mila Kunis, Robert Downey Jr, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Queen Latifah e Whoopi Goldberg.
Musicalmente, Evanescence, Alter Bridge, Three Days Grace, Paramore, The Weeknd, The Pretty Reckless, Drake, Breaking Benjamin, Thirty Seconds to Mars, Linkin Park, Staind, Avenged Sevenfold, e The Script.

Qual o teu maior vício (ou vícios)?
Bem, o meu maior vício é fanfiction. Eu leio fanfiction TODOS os dias, a sério, só dou graças a este ser um vício que apenas requer uma ligação à Internet. Isto é também algo que se estende já à vários anos, 5 para ser exacta. Os meus vícios secundários vão alternando em gravidade entre si ao longo do tempo mas incluem telemóvel, sushi (vicio que anda em alta ultimamente), tabaco (mais que um vício, um hábito), álcool (bem controlado de momento), playstation e o meu vício mais recente: café.

Quais os teus maiores receios e medos?
O meu maior medo é chegar ao fim da minha vida cheia de arrependimentos do que nunca fiz/ tive coragem para fazer/ não experimentei. Para evitar tal coisa vivo a minha vida com uma filosofia de "Experimentar tudo uma vez" e tentar aproveitar as oportunidades que a vida me proporciona. Depois deste, o meu segundo maior medo é falhar, quer a quem confia e conta comigo (não suporto o olhar de desilusão) quer num contexto mais restrito de ambições profissionais e objectivos auto-impostos. O meu terceiro maior medo é ficar só, adoro estar sozinha mas odeio a solidão pois esta consome-me e deprime-me. É recorrente na minha vida que as pessoas que deixo aproximarem-se de mim acabem por desaparecer da minha vida ou que vão para longe, como tal este é um medo sempre presente e que apenas agrava os meus problemas em confiar nos outros.

Para ti, o que é que é importante numa amizade? E num relacionamento amoroso?
Numa amizade valorizo acima de tudo a confiança, para mim é o requisito fundamental de uma boa amizade. Alguém com quem eu possa contar, não importe que horas sejam ou onde esteja, alguém que por mais ocupado que esteja arranje tempo para os seus amigos. Outro aspecto importante é ter uma mente aberta e ser compreensivo, é preciso saber escutar sem julgar, tentar entender o outro antes de falar, abandonar ideias pré-concebidas e deixar de ver o mundo como preto e branco. E finalmente, respeito. Saber respeitar quando os nossos conselhos não são seguidos e saber respeitar as opiniões, escolhas e gostos da outra pessoa.
Num relacionamento amoroso, para além do que já mencionei para a amizade, o mais importante para mim é a honestidade. Em segundo lugar, companheirismo (acredito que os casais devem funcionar como uma equipa), empenho e espontaneidade (a rotina pode matar uma relação, para além de que existe algo em não conseguir prever o amanha que me cativa).

Como imaginas a tua vida daqui a 10 anos?
A viver num pequeno apartamento T2 no meio de uma grande cidade, com a minha moto estacionada à frente do prédio. Profissão indeterminada, mas provavelmente a trabalhar como veterinária e a viajar sempre que possível, sem ter nada que me prenda a lugar algum.

C) Nomear onze blogues. 

Não vou nomear nenhum pela simples razão que ao ser "nova" por aqui, não conheço ninguém que não tenha sido já nomeado por outro blogger.

D) Fazer onze perguntas.

Mais uma vez e pela razão acima designada vou-me abster de formular quaisquer perguntas.

Finito :p 
E uma bolacha para todos os corajosos que leram tudo até aqui xD

Wednesday, 26 February 2014

Possessiveness

"I just wanna say, you're mine, you're mine
Fuck what you heard, you're mine, you're mine
As long as you know who you belong to"
- in "Mine" by Beyoncé ft. Drake

Monday, 24 February 2014

Careful what you wish for


Fate has an irony of it's own.
 I once longed to be freed of what I was feeling. 
My wish was granted. 
Now I suffer for what I don't feel.
Being incomplete ever since.

Sunday, 23 February 2014

Let us burn


"In heaven, all the interesting people are missing."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Saturday, 22 February 2014

Regret


"How many times have you told me you love her?
As many times as I wanted to tell you the truth
How long have I stood here beside you?
I lived through you, you looked through me"
- in "Solitude" by Evanescence

Friday, 21 February 2014

Prideful


Last semester I failed one class and it seems like the only people to pass that class cheated. I knew a lot of cheating happened in the first exam yet I still didn't cheat the second time around. Now part of me wants to say "Screw this!!" and just cheat on the exam the next time I do it but the other half of me won't even consider that as an option. I guess you can say I'm too prideful for that, I want to pass that class with my own merit and honor. I want to be able to say I did it on my own and I didn't take the shameful easy way out. I may be a fool, but a fool that stays true to his principles.

"Disciplining yourself to do what you know is right and important, although difficult, is the highroad to pride, self-esteem, and personal satisfaction."

- Margaret Thatcher

Thursday, 20 February 2014

Uninspired


"The cliché is that creativity and depression go hand-in-hand. 
Like many clichés, this one is quite true."

- in "The Van Gogh Blues" by Eric Maisel

Wednesday, 19 February 2014

(Un)happy Family


"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." 

- in "Anna Karenina" by Leo Tolstoy

Tuesday, 18 February 2014

One of those nights


Fresh winter air, humidity ranking high in the atmosphere and zero wind. The sky's pitch black and the street's almost empty as I make my way back home. Taking a deep breath I let my head fall back while closing my eyes for just about two seconds. Only at nine degrees celsius my skin welcomes the cooling embrace the air provides and I open my eyes just in time to contemplate the now visible breath leaving my mouth with every exhalation. Lowering my head back in place I take my time to glance around registering the accumulation of rain water in the buildings and trees around me, slowly dripping to the ground enlarging the already wide and abundant puddles under my feet. I don't mind it in the slightest, even when my shoes lose the battle to stay dry allowing water inside. Much like I didn't mind the rain that poured down on me earlier today, enough to get my recently dried hair damp once again. But it wasn't raining anymore, there wasn't a trace of wind either. Letting my tiredness get the best of me I once again shut my eyelids and this time acknowledged the familiar smell that hustled it's way through my nostrils and into my lungs, that wonderful scent, the one that remains when the rain is gone. All the while my ears were being overflowed with music, very loud rock music I must add, creating the perfect contrast with the seemingly serene night surrounding me. I had a song playing in repeat, one that holds deep meaning to me. A bearer of memories, a reminder of a difficult time in my life, it's melody while full of sorrow still wielder of an immense power, once providing me with the strength I so desperately craved to escape the destructive place I was trapped in. A song I had the privilege to hear played live for the very first time, something I'll never forget. A song that transforms my feelings into sound and that I can't still be indifferent to while listening. In this moment I could shout out the lyrics into the dark skies above me, I won't lie, I controlled myself in order to avoid such an occurrence but I could never tame the smile that settled on my lips from time to time as the song played. Yet my eyes still held a distinctive grief paired with furrowed brows and a downward gaze that contradicted the apparent happiness of my ever fleeting smile. But it's okay, those are just the signs of my reminiscing mind and faraway thoughts visiting a past I'm still letting go of. Thankfully I'm way beyond the point were that would ruin my night and what a gorgeous night it is.

"One thing I know is for certain,
We cannot have all we want,
Still this will not stop the hurting. It is never gone"

- in "Fortress" by Alter Bridge

Saturday, 15 February 2014

Chains, the second best thing after spikes


Mum - Why are you wearing chains on your jeans?
CR - Why are you wearing earrings?
Mum - . . .
CR - My point exactly.

Friday, 14 February 2014

Bloody Valentine


A - So, what are you doing for Valentine's Day?
CR - Not even gonna leave the house...
A - No way I'm letting you do that!! You're going to have dinner with me, you hear me?
CR - Okay, fine...
A - And we're going to leave a trail of rose petals on the floor, take a picture, post it on facebook and say it was our boyfriends who did it!
CR - That's just depressing.

Thursday, 13 February 2014

Let the instincts kick in


It's broken. She's broken. Something must be done, you know it and you can feel it inside you. Obviously, you desire nothing more than to help as this seems to have grown to be the most natural feeling in the world. The over-protectiveness washes over you in an instant, you crave to crush whatever may be the cause to her distress but your feelings get conflicted at the realization that she herself is the cause. 
Still, there must be some way to ease her mind. So what do you do? You couldn't possibly touch the main subject at this point, so you go around. Angle the conversation in another direction, spiral around the issue, rely on the slow approach, invoking good memories, providing the means for the mind to escape ever so slightly. Putting her at ease you can now head down the path that leads to recovery. We'll get there in time. Yes, you heard me. You don't have to walk alone anymore. And maybe you'll learn along the way that nothing is irreparable but death itself.

Wednesday, 12 February 2014

Conflicted




There's a war going on inside. Keep it quiet, no one can hear, no one shall know. The plates are tilting, balance threatening to be lost yet again. And that laugh... That laugh is eagerly awaiting in the back of my throat, god I hate it so... I won't let you come out for you are the voice to these distorted feelings, such a maddening sound to hear. Where is my release? Where's the victory lap? It seems as every time the finishing line is in sight I must trip over my own two feet. And now I'm beginning to wonder if there was even a finishing line...

Tuesday, 11 February 2014

If you're too close take a step back

"But I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you"
-in "Outside" by Staind 

Sunday, 9 February 2014

I'll take the red pill


And even now here I am, bound by your words, imprisoned in the depths of my own mind with a thousand silent pleas hanging on my lips.

Only the truth can set me free so won't you stop lying? I rather hurt to get my release than to stay locked in this fake happiness brought by ignorance.

But my words don't matter in the slightest for they are never to reach your ears. You never even bothered to ask which pill I wanted, simply shoving the blue pill down my throat without a word. Take it back, I want the red one, I think I earned it after all the blood, sweat and tears I put into this, all in vain in case you're wondering...

Saturday, 8 February 2014

Sugar, we're going down


I'm normally a calm person, I can keep my anger in check most of the time and it's not very usual for me to lose my head over something. But there are things that just do it for me, things that hit me straight in a nerve. The most prominent example being people that screw up and then hide behind lies, choosing not to tell the truth, claiming to be such merciful beings that are trying to protect us from the pain that it would cause. And all the while I'm thinking that these people are nothing more than lowly cowards coming up with excuses and ways to ease their conscience about what they've done. What about the ones you're supposedly trying to protect? The truth will come out eventually, they're going to know what you did sooner or later and then it's going to hurt ten times more. Why? Because adding to the suffering brought by disclosing the truth there's the unfortunate bonus of them knowing you lied and that breach of trust can sometimes hurt more than the truth you were so desperately trying to conceal. The problem is that lying is a conscious and premeditated act hence a choice. What's even more sad is how things can be solved if only people have the guts to be honest and admit the truth, yet time after time people rather keep secrets, covering them with lies so that when the time comes there's already so much water in the ship that there's nothing you can do but to watch it sink. Please, don't even try to blame it on the ocean when we both know who sank us.
You did.

Friday, 7 February 2014

I'm on top of the world


Good news taste better when you're not expecting them. And this one just gave me the strength to fight for one more week, going against all odds, struggling with sleep deprivation and sheer exhaustion in order to achieve my goals. It reminded me why I'm pushing myself, doubled my determination and more importantly made me believe in myself (On a side note: Thank you for believing in me even when I had stopped doing so).

I believe that if you think something can be achieved then you're already half way there but if you think something is impossible then it will truly be that way. So do yourself  a favor and have some faith, specially if you're an underdog like me. Turn the tables around and prove wrong everyone who doubted or looked down on you. But don't forget you're not doing this for them, you're doing it for yourself.

Wednesday, 5 February 2014

Lost in between words


Hide. Hide behind something. Isn't that why you do this? Every second spent reading you're far away, there's no you actually. You're a mere spectator to a story that unfolds right before your eyes. At that moment your own story disappears. Does it come as a relief? Not to have to face your life, hiding away in the back of your mind, dwelling in intellectual matters detached from the grueling physical world?
You take delight in exploring the endless possibilities of a thousand realms, attentively analyzing the trials set upon the characters, losing yourself to the infinite outcomes that may arise, trying to figure out the optimum course of action for every single one of them. You respond to the characters. Growling in frustration for their blunt mistakes, closing your eyes tight as if rejecting the tragedies they're confronted with, unleashing a smile for their triumphs... Living through those characters, you witnessed their victories, even cheered for it to happen. Now you wonder why can't you be like them, why when faced with similar hardships you can't gather the courage to follow your gut instinct, and mute the fear speaking directly into your ears. And it's then you realize that that's exactly the reason why no stories are written about people like you, instead being written about them. Without being real those characters have lived more than you, you that resigned to being like this. Alive but still not living.

Tuesday, 4 February 2014

Resolve


I'm tired, so tired...

But stronger than my exhaustion shall my determination remain. My willpower will not bow before any limits. Eyes on the prize and nothing else matters. 

Until then, no rest for the wicked.

Monday, 3 February 2014

The weight of a thousand battles

"Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win."
- Sun Tzu

Sunday, 2 February 2014

Pondered

"Be extremely subtle, even to the point of formlessness. Be extremely mysterious, even to the point of soundlessness. Thereby you can be the director of the opponent's fate."
- Sun Tzu

Saturday, 1 February 2014

10 reasons why Angelina Jolie is awesome

1
"If you ask people what they've always wanted to do, most people haven't done it. That breaks my heart."
2
"I like someone who is a little crazy but coming from a good place. I think scars are sexy because it means you made a mistake that led to a mess."
3
"When other little girls wanted to be ballet dancers I kind of wanted to be a vampire."
4
"If I make a fool of myself, who cares? I'm not frightened by anyone's perception of me."
5
"To be intimate with a married man, when my own father cheated on my mother, is not something I could forgive. I could not look at myself in the morning if I did that. I wouldn't be attracted to a man who would cheat on his wife."
6
"I've been reckless, but I'm not a rebel without a cause."
7
"Everyone got kind of crazy with me mentioning I was in love with a woman."
8
"Without pain, there would be no suffering, without suffering we would never learn from our mistakes. To make it right, pain and suffering is the key to all windows, without it, there is no way of life."
9
"I've realized that being happy is a choice. You never want to rub anybody the wrong way or not be fun to be around, but you have to be happy. When I get logical and I don't trust my instincts - Thats when I get in trouble."
10
"I grew up as this very carefree, happy kid then things turned darker for me. Maybe it was because I saw that the world wasn't as happy a place as I had hoped it would be for me."
- Angelina Jolie