Holding on to skeletons

"Everyone, has a closet

In the night, they wear disguises

In the dark, they hide from the truth

In the end, they lie to you

One day the skeletons are gonna come out

One day the elephant in the room will make a sound

Watch out for lions and tigers and bears

It's bout to hit the fan, better beware

(...)

Tell her why you lie for no reason

They point fingers and bite the hand that feeds them

Help em, Lord for they know not what they do

Swear to God they know better than you

(...)

The closest people to you, you can't trust

Your family hurts you more than your friend does

There ain't no where to hide, nowhere to go

You better watch, the finger too damn close

Tell the truth

Tell the truth

Tell the truth

Tell the truth"

- in "Tell The Truth" feat. Jussie Smollett from Empire

Breathe, just breathe

Heart goes wild. 

(Probably skipping a few beats)

It finally settles right in my throat.

(Making it hard to swallow)

Heartbeat loud and frantic.

(I can feel it in my hands)

I must be shaking.

(I have to be)

All signs of breathing now gone.

(My chest stills)

All due to a familiar scent.

(I still remember)

Shit...

Safe Haven

Told myself I was strong. But I'm not. Still falling down to my knees, over indulging in my addictions whenever the silence speaks louder than words. Not that I'd ever admit it, no I'm still coating the truth with washed up excuses. Like a cloak over my sins. Question is, for who? To feed my denial or shred your curiosity before it turns into concern? Yet I forget how mundane it is to try and reason irrationality.

Yours sincerely

Punch in the stomach. How I feel when I'm in your presence. And all that was once settled finds it's way back to the surface. Unable to shake away the sickness you cause me, I avert my sight. Couldn't look you straight in the eyes even if I tried. I simply can't stand the way you hurt me by simply existing. And yet I wouldn't have ever been born if you hadn't made me. But make no mistake, I don't owe you my life, I owe you nothing. Not anymore. Not after all you took from me: my childlike innocence, my trust, my good faith, my sweet ignorance... Reality is a burden and also the only thing you gave to me. You make my heart feel heavy when all I wanted was for it to be as light as a feather, able to fly in the winds of wonder, never held down by sturdy shackles that impose limits on my dreams of an ideal world. I desire nothing more than to be free but how when I can't find release from the pain cradling me? And a lonely tear escapes. Then two. (A strange feeling of déjà vu takes over) You're still minding your own business. I'm as silent as the night. You don't notice. (You never do) I'm relieved. (But isn't that a problem? You never notice anything that doesn't concern yourself) But ten years ago I didn't shed a single tear, so why now? Have I gone soft? Yes... Ironically by the hands of the second person who broke my heart. Is it any wonder I have a hard time letting people in? The closer they are the deeper the cut. And maybe I just don't want to bleed anymore...

Still not awake

"Maybe baby we're just tired and I don't really feel lonely by your side

So low whispered in your ear, "Hold me closely while I'm here."

Pale Moon I'd turn the tides for you if I still thought you'd notice if I do

Maybe baby we're just tired and when you wake up I'll be by your side"

- in "Begging For The Sun To Go Down" by Make Do And Mend

Cursed by love

"She used to place her pretty arms about my neck, draw me to her, and laying her cheek to mine, murmur with her lips near my ear, "Dearest, your little heart is wounded; think me not cruel because I obey the irresistible law of my strength and weakness; if your dear heart is wounded, my wild heart bleeds with yours. In the rapture of my enormous humiliation I live in your warm life, and you shall die--die, sweetly die--into mine. I cannot help it; as I draw near to you, you, in your turn, will draw near to others, and learn the rapture of that cruelty, which yet is love; so, for a while, seek to know no more of me and mine, but trust me with all your loving spirit.""

- in Carmilla (1871) by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu

Wasted potential

Emotion of the day: Feeling not good enough. Scratch that, let's change it to the official feeling of my life. In the end it all comes down to it, isn't it right? Not good enough for him to stay, not good enough for her undivided attention, for her love dare I say. Not good enough to succeed, not good enough to make it through... Never enough. (Will I ever be enough...?) I cast all my hopes, search for myself among the shadows. May the night enlighten my mind about all the things the day's kept hidden from me.