Let it rain

"So leave the lights on I’m coming home

It's getting darker but I carry on

The sun won't shine here, it never did

And when it rains, it fucking pours

But I think I like it

And you know that I'm in love with the pain

I think I like it

So come rain on my parade

Cause I want to feel it

Come shove me over the edge

Cause my head is in overdrive

I'm sorry but it's too late

And it's not worth saving

So come rain on my parade

I think we're doomed

I think we're doomed

And there is no way back"

-in "Doomed" by Bring Me The Horizon

Nyctophilia

“Here in the darkness I know myself…”

- in "Lithium" by Evanescence

City Lights

It's the empowering feeling of stepping on the edge. Staring up ahead at the precipice of the unknown without looking back at safe ground. The adrenaline rushing trough my veins, the infinite possibilities, the many outcomes pending on the tiniest movement. And yet I'm kept upright, feeling the wind slowly pass me by, the minutes ticking away and finally a sudden peace settling. Only then I'm in full control, only then I reign over fate.

Pitch black

The dark can no longer bother you when it is but a mere reflection of what's inside you. It's been so long since you've surrendered to the blackness within that the vice like grip it keeps on your heart has emerged as a second nature. Weep now, strike hard on the feeling, cherish it while the numbness has yet to return. For when it does, the silence shall be deafening echoing through the walls surrounding your core's emptiness. Back to the sleepless nights and quiet desperation.

If you're out there...

"I like being independent

Not so much of an investment

No one to tell me what to do

I like being by myself

Don’t gotta entertain anybody else

No one to answer to

But sometimes, I just want somebody to hold

Someone to give me their jacket when its cold

Got that young love even when we’re old

Yeah sometimes, I want someone to grab my hand

Pick me up, pull me close, be my man

I will love you till the end

So if you’re out there I swear to be good to you

But I’m done lookin’, for my future someone

Cause when the time is right

You’ll be here, but for now

Dear no one, this is your love song

I don’t really like big crowds

I tend to shut people out

I like my space, yeah

But I’d love to have a soul mate

God will give him to me someday

& I know it’ll be worth the wait"

- in "Dear No One" by Tori Kelly

Hold on for dear life

When you're tired and your bones start weighing more than they used to,
You just can't seem to see this night through,

Gravity feels stronger pulling you towards the ground,

Or maybe it's just your low spirits, you're feeling down,

Everything seems life or death,

You wonder just how far we actually ever get,

Back to square one,

Though nothing really ever matters in the long run,

And you want to cry,

Desperate to escape only to realize you can no longer fly,

Caught struggling in your own lie's spider web,

When exactly did it get all around your neck?

It's mundane, futile, irrelevant,

The quick to dry tears will remain as the sole evidence,

In the end salvation's always absent.

Holding on to skeletons

"Everyone, has a closet

In the night, they wear disguises

In the dark, they hide from the truth

In the end, they lie to you

One day the skeletons are gonna come out

One day the elephant in the room will make a sound

Watch out for lions and tigers and bears

It's bout to hit the fan, better beware

(...)

Tell her why you lie for no reason

They point fingers and bite the hand that feeds them

Help em, Lord for they know not what they do

Swear to God they know better than you

(...)

The closest people to you, you can't trust

Your family hurts you more than your friend does

There ain't no where to hide, nowhere to go

You better watch, the finger too damn close

Tell the truth

Tell the truth

Tell the truth

Tell the truth"

- in "Tell The Truth" feat. Jussie Smollett from Empire

Breathe, just breathe

Heart goes wild. 

(Probably skipping a few beats)

It finally settles right in my throat.

(Making it hard to swallow)

Heartbeat loud and frantic.

(I can feel it in my hands)

I must be shaking.

(I have to be)

All signs of breathing now gone.

(My chest stills)

All due to a familiar scent.

(I still remember)

Shit...

Safe Haven

Told myself I was strong. But I'm not. Still falling down to my knees, over indulging in my addictions whenever the silence speaks louder than words. Not that I'd ever admit it, no I'm still coating the truth with washed up excuses. Like a cloak over my sins. Question is, for who? To feed my denial or shred your curiosity before it turns into concern? Yet I forget how mundane it is to try and reason irrationality.

Yours sincerely

Punch in the stomach. How I feel when I'm in your presence. And all that was once settled finds it's way back to the surface. Unable to shake away the sickness you cause me, I avert my sight. Couldn't look you straight in the eyes even if I tried. I simply can't stand the way you hurt me by simply existing. And yet I wouldn't have ever been born if you hadn't made me. But make no mistake, I don't owe you my life, I owe you nothing. Not anymore. Not after all you took from me: my childlike innocence, my trust, my good faith, my sweet ignorance... Reality is a burden and also the only thing you gave to me. You make my heart feel heavy when all I wanted was for it to be as light as a feather, able to fly in the winds of wonder, never held down by sturdy shackles that impose limits on my dreams of an ideal world. I desire nothing more than to be free but how when I can't find release from the pain cradling me? And a lonely tear escapes. Then two. (A strange feeling of déjà vu takes over) You're still minding your own business. I'm as silent as the night. You don't notice. (You never do) I'm relieved. (But isn't that a problem? You never notice anything that doesn't concern yourself) But ten years ago I didn't shed a single tear, so why now? Have I gone soft? Yes... Ironically by the hands of the second person who broke my heart. Is it any wonder I have a hard time letting people in? The closer they are the deeper the cut. And maybe I just don't want to bleed anymore...

Still not awake

"Maybe baby we're just tired and I don't really feel lonely by your side

So low whispered in your ear, "Hold me closely while I'm here."

Pale Moon I'd turn the tides for you if I still thought you'd notice if I do

Maybe baby we're just tired and when you wake up I'll be by your side"

- in "Begging For The Sun To Go Down" by Make Do And Mend

Cursed by love

"She used to place her pretty arms about my neck, draw me to her, and laying her cheek to mine, murmur with her lips near my ear, "Dearest, your little heart is wounded; think me not cruel because I obey the irresistible law of my strength and weakness; if your dear heart is wounded, my wild heart bleeds with yours. In the rapture of my enormous humiliation I live in your warm life, and you shall die--die, sweetly die--into mine. I cannot help it; as I draw near to you, you, in your turn, will draw near to others, and learn the rapture of that cruelty, which yet is love; so, for a while, seek to know no more of me and mine, but trust me with all your loving spirit.""

- in Carmilla (1871) by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu

Wasted potential

Emotion of the day: Feeling not good enough. Scratch that, let's change it to the official feeling of my life. In the end it all comes down to it, isn't it right? Not good enough for him to stay, not good enough for her undivided attention, for her love dare I say. Not good enough to succeed, not good enough to make it through... Never enough. (Will I ever be enough...?) I cast all my hopes, search for myself among the shadows. May the night enlighten my mind about all the things the day's kept hidden from me.

Another sleepless night

You will succeed the moment you don't allow yourself to fail.

“The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can’t achieve it.” – Jordan Belfort

What if it only gets colder

"What if I said I would break your heart?

What if I said I have problems that made me, mean?

What if I knew I would just rip your mind apart

Would you let me out?

Maybe you can stop before you start

Maybe you can see that I just may be too crazy to love

If I told you solitude fits me like a glove

Would you let me out?

You ought to know where I'm coming from"

- in "You Should Know Where I'm Coming From" by Banks

Too many war wounds and not enough wars

"Coming in unannounced, drag my nails on the tile,

I just follow your scent, you can just follow my smile,

All of your flaws are aligned with this mood of mine,

Cutting me to the bone, nothing left to leave behind,

You ought to keep me concealed just like I was a weapon,

I didn't come for a fight but I will fight til the end,

This will not be a battle, might not turn out okay,

You know you look so Seattle but you feel so LA,

And I love the way you hurt me,

It's irresistible, yeah,

I love the way, I love the way,

I love the way you hurt me, baby"

- in "Irresistible" by Fall Out Boy

New Year's Resolutions!

Goals for 2015:
    1. Don't fuck up
    2. Try new things

Instead of making a long list of things I don't intend to follow I thought I'd keep it simple. 

Who knows, it may just work.

Also remember, things won't change unless you do.