Queen of Hearts

You chose me, you used me, abused me. Forever at your disposal, under your unexisting mercy I've laid  for endless nights. You did as you pleased, just like you always do. Not even cared to admit to your sins. Because you knew. Knew you were free from any bounds for I could never retaliate against you. Never you. Barricading in the deepest depths of my heart. Out of reach, sitting comfortably in the safest of places. You knew, knew I was yours for the taking, to discard when you deemed fit. And there I laid with my arms wide open. And there you stood, gun in hand. I never enticed you to shoot but never said you couldn't either. So you did.

"Good" Morning

And when my dreams are of you how am I suppose to wake up with a smile?

Goodnight and goodbye

Too tired to be happy. Leave me for dead and I won't fight it. You've won. Tonight I bleed under your uncaring unmerciful watch. Gentle soothing touch. Love.

Look the other way

I open my hands as soon I've closed them. So hot it feels like it could burn my skin. I do wonder though... Wonder if it's the temperature or the responsibility that burns the hottest. I'm still the same kid that chooses to overlook the unavoidable until there's no possible escape. It's a reflection of fear, the ever-present ghost of failure hovering around me. I don't want to face it though I must, even knowing that if I do then at least I'll actually have a chance at succeeding. But the papers lie quietly on the table and I don't even make a second attempt at reaching them, I simply walk away. How did the saying go? Oh, yes... Eyes that don't see, heart that doesn't feel...

We said it was forever but then it slipped away

"Tearing me apart with words you wouldn't say,

And suddenly tomorrow's a moment washed away.

'Cause I don't have a reason, and you don't have the time,

But we both keep on waiting for something we won't find.

(...)

All I ever wanted, the secrets that you keep,

All you've ever wanted, the truth I couldn't speak.

'Cause I can't see forgiveness, and you can't see the crime,

And we both keep on waiting for what we left behind "

- in "Final Masquerade" by Linkin Park

Promise you'll be different

Expectation:

Reality:

"I never knew that I could feel this way"

 

 - in "Silver Linings Playbook"

Self-Imposed Limitations

Living like a caged bird that was offered freedom on a silver platter. The door remains open the same way I remain motionless. The opportunity is presented but I wouldn't know what to do with it. I can't remember what it's like to be outside so I don't leave. I never do. The door still open, my wings still closed. Waiting to be freed for I'm unable to set myself free.

"How many times have I done this to myself

How long will it take before I see

When will this hole in my heart be mended

Who now is left alone but me

Oh, Solitude,

Still with me is only you"

- in "Solitude" by Evanescence

My Kriptonite

My heart still races at the sight of you. I can't help it, don't know how. So now all the sorry looks seem to come my way. It's been a year already. How pathetic of me, wouldn't you say? Can't find proper closure.

23.08.14

Hate my F*ing life

"I tried to kill my pain,

But only brought more,

So much more,

I lay dying,

And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal,

I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming,

Am I too lost to be saved?

Am I too lost?"

- in "Tourniquet" by Evanescence