In the silence of a hug

I guess I had a list of things I wanted to say. Yet i couldn't bring myself to speak them out loud. I wonder if you knew what they were. I wonder if my actions were enough to make you understand. But you know me, don't you? If I speak I'm vulnerable, if I don't I'm regretful. And these goodbyes are the worst, it seems as though we're constantly living on borrowed time. Aggravated by the fact that you always gather the right words to say while I simply trade mine for the pain my eyes can't hide. But not many people know me like you do, reading my thoughts was something you picked up as a routine, rendering my speech overrated ever since. Still all this things left unsaid I just wish to be able to speak them one day. Even if you already know, you should hear me say them. You deserve it.

Moonlight Sonata

I love the moon. I always thought how it was soothing that we all live under the same sky, and how looking up we all see the same moon. It makes me feel less alone. If there's someone on my mind I always feel closer to them while I gaze at the moon, if I close my eyes the distance vanishes for a few moments. I'm finally able to feel you near as a peaceful melancholy envelops me. The laws of physics can't reach us no more, and for the ephemeral seconds that follow we're eternal. Giving in to the moonlit night, letting it be the portal between harsh reality and a realm freed from the restrictions of distance. Tonight we fly without moving, tonight we're together again.

How did we get here?

"I'm screaming, I love you so,

But my thoughts you can't decode"

- in "Decode" by Paramore

Crime of Passion

"I've been up in the air, lost in the night.

I wouldn't trade an eye for your lies.

Your lust for my life.

Is this the end, hey?

You were the love of my life, the darkness, the light.

This is a portrait of a tortured you and I.

Is this the, is this the, is this the end?

I'll wrap my hands around your neck so tight with love, love, love."

- in "Up in the Air" by Thirty Seconds to Mars

Fate will not leave you, hate will not heal you

May the sky stop being the limit and start being the objective...

"...because everything that falls gets broken"

"Once upon a time I swore I had a heart

Long before the world I know tore it all apart

Once upon a time there was a part of me I shared

Years before they took away the part of me that cared"

- in "Battle Born" by Five Finger Death Punch

Nothin' was ever the same

"And don't take this personal

But you're the worst

You know what you've done to me

And although it hurts I know

I just can't keep runnin' away

I don't need you, I don't need you, I don't need you, I don't need you

But I want you

I don't mean to, I don't mean to, I don't mean to, I don't mean to,

But I love you"

- in "The Worst" by Jhené Aiko

Promise

Fulfill your end of the bargain, I'll fulfill mine.

Regain focus

It's funny how easily people lose sight of what truly matters...

Fomalhaut

One of the best things you can have in your life is someone whose happiness you value more than your own. And knowing that whenever that person is happy you can never be completely miserable. Like a bright star in the otherwise pitch-black sky. It's nice having something good come from my darkness, considering that if the sun was up I wouldn't be able to see it. And maybe it's just meant to be this way, after all it's in the darkest nights the stars shine brighter.

Detached

Gift or curse? Depends on who you ask. My mother always thought that made me special as a child, I had little attachment to objects and possessions, she saw it as a wonderful thing. It's true, I couldn't care less about material things, I lose my favorite objects all the time and I'm fine with that. What bothers me is the detachment I feel towards others. I see it as an handicap. It makes it hard to connect, hard to create bonds... Hard to allow myself to depend on others, hard to miss people... I just don't feel it, any of it. Never did, don't believe I ever will. It drives me towards solitude and keeps me there until I force myself to fight it, to make an effort, to reach out to others, hopelessly attempting to fix myself over and over again...

Here's to us

"Never opened myself this way,

Life is ours, we live it our way

All these words I don't just say

And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you

Every day for us something new

Open mind for a different view

And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they say

Never cared for games they play

Never cared for what they do

Never cared for what they know

And I know"

- in "Nothing Else Matters" by Metallica

Anger

Anger is just another thing to fill the void, forever there, forever hollow. No matter what I use to cover it, it's still there and I can't make it go away. When something stops hurting it doesn't mean it's healed. When the sun has disappeared it doesn't mean it's night. When the pillow is dry it doesn't mean I'm not crying myself to sleep. When I'm told I've been worse it doesn't mean I'm much better now.

When I hate you it doesn't mean I don't love you...

Reminiscing

"No matter how far we travel, the memories will follow in the baggage car."

- August Strindberg

"So where did you sleep the night before,

I doubt that your phone was dying,

I'm supposed to believe that was what you wore,

Said you were alone, I don't buy it,

Now I can't stay,

Surrounded by,

Every lie that won't come true,

Now you wanna take the time,

But why would you,

Think you're gonna make it right,

But how could you,

So I can't stay, (surrounded)

Surrounded by, (surrounded by)

Every lie"

- in "Every lie" by My Darkest Days

Rationality vs Feelings

My heart is addicted to mistakes. That's all you ever were. 

And now, the mistake changes but the tendency remains.

My brain's forever a slave to my reckless heart.

"You said that we'd be forever

How could you kill me and lie to my face?

Now that we can't be together

There's just no hope for our final embrace

So here we are, I'm in your head

I'm in your heart!!!"

- in "Your Betrayal" by Bullet For My Valentine

Decisions, decisions

"This battered room I've seen before

The broken bones they heal no more, no more

With my last breath I'm choking

Will this ever end? I'm hoping

My world is over one more time"

- in "Tears Don't Fall" by Bullet for my Valentine

Dementia

Turn the volume up and up and up and up… ‘Till I’m deaf, ‘Till I’ve lost my mind. 

Who cares? Sanity is overrated anyway.

"Am I insane?

I ask myself over and over and over again

Trapped in my brain

Pull it out from the cracks in my skull

Am I alone?

Surrounded by shadows

I think I might just be suffocating

The devil came to take me to hell

But I'm already there."

- in "The Death of Me" by Asking Alexandria

I'm (not) okay...

I can't remember if your words were: "You don't want her to know how bad you really are." or "You don't tell her how bad you really are." but it doesn't matter anyway, they're both true...

Can you understand why I do it though...?

Then why am I still miserable?!

"And then I found out how hard it is to really change.

Even hell can get comfy once you've settled in.

I just wanted the lonely inside me to leave.

No matter how fucked you get, there's always hell when you come back down.

The funny thing is all I ever wanted I already had.

There's glimpses of heaven in every day.

In the friends I have, the music I make, the love that I feel.

I just had to start again."

- in "Hospital For Souls" by Bring Me the Horizon

Listen to my heart

Words aren't always able to convey my feelings yet music has never failed me before...

We use the lyrics to express what we can't bare to vocalize, be it our fears, desires or secrets. We're completely honest under the safety of the sung melodies, shielded by the fact that we didn't wrote them ourselves. If needed we can just say we enjoy the sound and deny the comfort and help the message brings us. Being too cowardly to admit to our feelings without regret. But the truth is that in our darkest moments music seems to be the only place to provide the understanding we desperately seek. We long to find that we're not alone, it's the hope that's keeping us alive.

Suffocating

I’m surrounded by four walls. They've never felt this close before. It’s like if they’re moving, slowly closing in on me and as they approach. While the air inside decreases, anxiety takes over me, my breaths become quicker, my lungs ache. My first impulse would be to run, but I can’t, my feet glued to the floor because I must protect what’s between those walls. So I guess that puts me in a complicated position, torn between self-preservation and selflessness. Fight or flight. It would be so easy to just save myself but that’s not the right thing to do, I wouldn't feel good about that choice, I don’t want to live with those consequences. But if I stay then there’s so much fighting to do, pain to endure, burdens to carry. Sometimes I wish I didn't always go with the most difficult choice but if that was the case than I wouldn't be me, would I?

Keep on moving forward

"My past is perilous,

But each scar I bear sings,

Monuments to where I have been,

And melodies to where I am going"

- in "Monuments and Melodies" by Incubus